Soul Searching

Well, it’s a new year and I’m not buying into the usual trope of “New Year New Me”. Those expressions nauseate me. I am, however, needing to make some major changes in my life. Now is as good a time as any I suppose.

 I started the year losing my beloved dog of 15 years and there is a deep sadness every time I look at his empty chair and walk into my empty house. He was with me for some of the worst times in my life, always by my side as a constant companion. He was there when I cried myself to sleep after my divorce, he was with me when I lost my job, and my home, and most importantly, he helped my son get through his darkest days. I really miss him.

With my two oldest kids living in California and my youngest going off to grad school in the fall, I fear the loneliness I will feel, being completely alone for the first time in my life. I don’t think I’m going to do very well with it.

Fortunately, I started therapy a few months ago and I guess that’s helping. Too soon to tell…I have a lot of shit to work through.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I just want to settle down again. I’m tired of going out drinking one too many and feeling like crap the next day. I’ve started to take a step back and reevaluate what I truly want and how I’m going to get there. I need to be the kind of person that I would want to attract into my life and I’m definitely not going to find that in one of “the regulars” at the bar. I want to find someone stable but who knows how to have fun. I want a companion who will be there to listen and laugh together no matter what we are doing. Someone to share life with and build the life I’ve always dreamed of…together.

Some days I lament about the last two men I was “dating”. I miss them even though I know they weren’t the right fit. I just miss having that companion in my life. At least it was someone to spend time with and share deep conversations. I was lucky to have them come into my life to show me what I craved in a partner. One of them reached out the other day to see how I was doing. It touched my heart because it showed that he cared enough about me as a person and that we did share a special connection. Sadly, I don’t want to be with him but he gave me clarity about what I really want in a partner and more importantly what I don’t want.

I’ve done a lot of soul-searching lately and I know that I have to do the work on myself in order to attract the partner I desire. I’ve done some of the work but there is a long way to go. It’s not about just having a man…it’s more than that. It’s about sharing my life with someone who adds value and meaning, not just sex and a good time. Those things are shallow and fleeting and I’d rather be alone.

I used to resist the notion that I needed a man in my life. I was a strong, independent woman who could stand on her own two feet.  I was happy just hanging out with friends and coming home to an empty bed with the control of my remote. Now, I’m starting to see that there is an emptiness there and that I lack contentment. I feel like I’m always chasing something that’s out of grasp. Bored with the same ole’ same ole’. Maybe it’s not necessarily going to be filled by a man, but I think we’re wired for deeper intimacy and connection with another person and it seems void of something meaningful without a partner by your side. Regardless of what that is—it begins with me. I have to be resolute in creating the life that I want for myself and that means I have to dig deeper and make some changes. I need to find what fills me up instead of continuing to do things that deplete me. It all starts with you. If you’re struggling to find a relationship it usually means you’re not quite ready. There may be negative beliefs about yourself or about men/women that block that coming into your life. It’s all about self-examination and working through those blocks.

I’m starting to journal and be more deliberate with what brings me joy and contentment. I’ve been kind of lost the past year. I felt frustrated with not finding a better job and depressed about gaining weight after working so hard for years to eat healthier. I’m sick of feeling lonely and exhausted all the time. I need to get back to having balance in my life. To find that joy and energy I once felt.

Writing and connecting with others gives me that joy and it’s no coincidence that several people have told me how much they miss me posting. I need that creative outlet to spark joy into my life again so hopefully I can deliver.  I’m going through the journey just like you are and we all need that community to lean on.

Whether you are single, married, or thinking about divorce each of those phases of life has its challenges. Finding what fills you up will only enhance your life and relationships. We can only fix the external factors by focusing on our internal struggles. Once you’re ready to be truly honest with yourself about what that is, that’s where the healing begins and everything else will fall into place.

I never thought that it would take me all these years after divorce to figure it out but that was a part of my journey and I don’t regret it for a moment. Hopefully, we can speed things along now. 😉

With Love,


One Comment

  • Ev

    Oh man, I can definitely relate to that inner struggle and outer discontent. Love to read your writing! It’s such a beautiful gift. Keep going!