Remember that feeling you got the first time you met someone that you had instant chemistry with? Your palms sweat, your heart beats a little faster… you try to remain cool, but you can’t stop smiling in their presence and you stumble over your words. Ahh, it’s the best feeling in the world isn’t it? It’s intoxicating and you find yourself wanting more and more. You don’t know exactly what it is about that person that brings you to complete ecstasy, but you think it’s just love at first sight.

Scientist have tried to explain “chemistry” in terms of hormonal reactions in our body that give off pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin which are attributed to sexual attraction. Oxytocin and vasopressin promote bonding with a particular partner. That sounds like a powerful mixture.  I understand that is what happens in the body when you are physically attracted to someone, but I like to believe there’s an energetic connection between two people that we can’t explain. Something universal.

It really is unpredictable. I’ve been physically attracted to someone that definitely had hormones racing through my body, but I’ve also felt chemistry with someone that I didn’t find all that attractive, but he stimulated me intellectually and I felt that instant connection. For me, you can be the hottest guy on the planet, but if you’re dumb as a stump or arrogant, I’m immediately turned off. Conversely, if a man is intelligent, confident and has a great sense of humor but just “average looking” I will be way more attracted to them than the hottie that looks like he just walked off the cover of GQ.

I’ve always been intrigued by what makes people drawn to certain “types”. One person may like tall, dark and handsome and others may like the more rugged type. Me, personally…I love a tall guy in a suit, but I find myself attracted to all types of guys especially if they can make me laugh. My “type” is kind of all over the place. My celebrity crushes are Idris Elba and Leonardo DiCaprio (yummy).  In the real world you just never know what is going to draw you in. Most of the people I know who are in healthy long-term relationships will say they weren’t instantly attracted to their partners. Those same people will also say that they knew very quickly that they were “the one”. So what roll does chemistry play?


Physical attraction is important, but it certainly doesn’t sustain a relationship. You may have an overwhelming attraction to someone who you later find out is a complete asshole. What good is chemistry then? I’m so in-tune with making sure I don’t fall for another asshole. Perhaps my resting bitch face when I meet a hot guy is attractive to them? I can’t seem to figure it out, but what I do know is that I’m not going to let chemistry and a pretty face fool me. They may be nice to look at for a while, but they are not “life partner” material.  I want someone solid, trustworthy, and someone I can have fun with…that’s the most important thing to me.

I think chemistry is overrated. After all, the butterflies fade fast and then you’re left with someone you may not even be compatible with. They may not share the same views, like the same activities or want the same things in life. Then what? Just great sex? Nope, not necessarily. I met someone I had amazing chemistry with and the sex wasn’t that good. That blows that theory! (sorry, poor choice of words).

All I’m saying is be very clear with what you want in a partner. I wrote down all the specific attributes I am looking for and created a vision board of what I want to see manifest in my life. I know it sounds hokey, but it is a great exercise to do when you’re feeling hurt and confused after a loss. Trust me it’s very therapeutic.

When I meet someone and they’re not in line with my needs and wants, then I’m not going to waste my time or theirs. For example, if I date a guy who maybe younger and he wants to get married and have kids, then he’s not for me. I’m too damn old to have more kids and I really don’t ever want to get married again. I want a committed life partner, but I don’t necessarily believe in getting married again. I want to be like Oprah and Stedman or Goldie and Kurt Russell. They seem way happier than most married couples who end up divorced. I feel like marriage changes a relationship and it’s just a form of legal ownership versus choosing to stay with a person forever because you love them.  Don’t get me wrong I believe in marriage when you’re younger and raising a family, but for me there’s no point to getting legally married again. It just makes things complicated and messy. With that said, if I fell in love with someone who really really wanted to get married, I would consider it. That wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me, but I would rather say our vows to commit to one another on a beach somewhere and make it between us and God.

Then again, if my dream man happens to be rich…then that’s another story! I’ll be flying to Vegas in a hot second! Lol!  (Just kidding…not really) :p

My advice is to write down the qualities you want in a partner and maybe create your own vision board. It allows you to become centered and clear about what you really want in a relationship and helps you avoid the pitfalls that caused your past relationships to fail. Clarity is the key to finding true happiness not chemistry.

With Faith, Hope, and Love,



  • Teri Joblon

    When I started reading this post, I was sure you were going to discuss how chemistry was the key to a good relationship. I was pleasantly surprised by your thoughts on this topic. I would say that I was in the same boat as the majority of people- I wasn’t instantly attracted to John but knew pretty quickly that he was the one. His persistence got him the first date and his sense of humor, and kindness hooked me. And honestly, we talked on the phone for hours every night for a few weeks before that first date, and he was one of the most interesting people I had ever talked to. 30 years later, we still have fun together, and he still makes me laugh. I’ve gotten old and squishy, but he still treats me like I’m as hot as he thought I was 30 years ago. The other day I turned to him and said, “I like you. And I love you too.” That’s the key… At least for me :)!

    • Tsjgmason

      Aw, great love story Teri. Loving (and liking) someone for 30 years is truly something to celebrate!! Thanks so much for sharing. It gives me hope. Love you! xoxoxo