Endlessly Waiting

Picking up my laptop to find the words to express what exactly I’m feeling lately is apropos to the blank page staring back at me. I feel blank. Void of the hope I once had for the future. Numb to the joy I once felt. Sounds like depression doesn’t it? I’ll admit it. I’m feeling depressed. Not sad. Not happy. Just blah.

My energy is low. I don’t have the excitement I once had about anything really and I’m not exactly sure why. My life is not bad at all. I have a great group of friends and a loving family, but when I reflect on where I thought my life would be (and should be) I feel unsatisfied. I’ve lost the passion I once felt about writing and the dreams I once had are just…gone. I just want to snap out of this funk but I don’t know where to begin. So I picked up my laptop to try to figure it all out.

Sometimes when I’m out with friends I feel like I’m outside my body looking in. I’m in my head asking myself why aren’t you having fun? Why are you so disconnected? I feel like I’m living someone else’s life. My life was supposed to start over after my divorce. I was finally free of a man that brought me pain. I was full of hope and living my life with a newfound freedom that I could start again and write the new chapters of my story that would lead to my happy ending.

That’s not exactly what happened. I guess I had more lessons to learn. The past fifteen years have been a series of trials. The betrayal in my marriage, the uncertainty of divorce, losing a career that I loved, losing my house, and then the worst of it all… my son’s mental break. Through all of that, I pushed through and pulled myself back up out of the darkness. I stood on my own two feet and persevered. I reminded myself that others go through far worse and that it wouldn’t do me any good to sit in self-pity.

 I always believed that there’s a silver lining at the end of all the pain and heartache. I guess that’s my problem…I’m not seeing my silver lining. I thought if I stayed hopeful and had faith, my circumstances would change and my life turn around. I believed that eventually, I would find the dream job or the love of my life. The endless waiting is starting to wear on me. I’m rarely ever alone but yet I feel so lonely. I know a man won’t fix everything but I long to share my life with someone that brings me joy and comfort. I also know that I won’t attract the right person until I fix myself.

Therein lies the question. How do you fix the broken parts of you? How do you have hope when you feel defeated? Who’s going to love you when you’re not loving yourself? The thoughts in my mind are self-inflicted and causing my own negative outcome. I know that the key is to change those thoughts and to manifest all the things I want out of life, yet I lost hope when I did all those things and nothing changed. My silver lining remained grey. The hope is gone and I’m left feeling stagnant.

This is so depressing…I know…but it’s my truth. Just a few months ago, I thought things were finally going to turn around. I had a great job offer and I was having great sex with a nice guy but when the job offer fell through and I ended things with a guy I knew wasn’t my person–I ended back at square one. I told myself that this was growth. I was getting closer to the things I wanted for myself but then something became nothing. I’m just tired of hoping and praying for things that aren’t coming to fruition.

I want so desperately to regain that hope because hope is all we have. Hope leads us to our destination. I always believed my purpose in life was to help others by sharing my own journey through difficult times. I have the ability to help people find self-reflection in order to get out of their own way but I’m struggling with doing that for myself lately.

I don’t know if any of you feel this way but I always feel like whatever I sit down to write is from a divine place that needed to be heard. I believe God…the universe…whatever you choose to call it, puts all of us in a place to connect with one another in order to feel less alone. Together we can regain our strength to move forward and find hope again. We’re not alone amongst these grey clouds we just have a hard time seeing through them at times. Sit with the feelings of dullness. Don’t try to push them away. They’re there to teach us something and to appreciate when the light shines through so we can see a glimmer of hope again.

With Love,