Who Needs a Man?

It has been months since my last post and I was beginning to question if I’d ever write again or have anything to write about. Since I wrote about my failed “Cuffing Season” back in November, I had to quickly move out of the house I was renting in the middle of winter, the holidays, and oh yeah…a global pandemic.

I swear, sometimes I wonder if I was a real asshole in my past life because nothing seems to go smoothly for me lately. Perhaps I’m an asshole in this life and karma is coming back to bite me in the ass.

I had to move into a crappy little place because there was hardly anything available during a COVID winter and it was the only place that would allow me to keep my dog. I couldn’t bear the thought of giving him up at 12 years old. He’s my fourth baby and I’d rather move to a shack than give him away.

Now that this horrible move is behind me and I’ve tried to make this place feel like a home for me and my boys. It’s not all bad—the kitchen is beautifully remodeled and I have a bunch of cool cafés, restaurants, and breweries nearby. This new transition is making me reevaluate my life. I feel like an outsider looking in—thinking what the hell are you doing? You’re better than this!

I mean seriously…when are things going to turn around? When am I going to catch a break and live up to my potential? I understand wallowing in self-pity won’t get me anywhere, but can’t one positive thing come my way? I feel like I’m going backwards instead of forward.

I realize I have to stay focused and set some financial goals to get myself out of this mess. My focus is finding a fulfilling career that allows me to use my creativity and skill sets without making me want to jump off the nearest bridge.

This past year has been a difficult one for everyone, yet I’m grateful every day for my health and the life that I have with so much love and support from my family and friends. I know I am blessed in so many ways. Today, in fact, I had to go to the hospital to get an ultrasound because I had a big lump in my left boob. Turns out everything is fine and I don’t have breast cancer—so there’s something to be grateful for—Halleluiah!

Has my life been easy? No. Do I have a lot to be grateful for in this life? Yes. I live with a constant nagging in the back of my mind that tells me I deserve more out of life than my current circumstances. That voice that pushes me to want better for myself. I need to tap into that voice more now than ever and make it happen.

I started this blog five years ago on Valentine’s Day. This year Valentine’s Day came and went without the slightest bit of sadness that I still don’t have a man. I hung out with my girls and went to brunch realizing that this is much better than being in a toxic relationship.

I’ve been on two dates in the past two years and both of them were a disaster. I’m off dating sites and realized that it would be a miracle to find someone during a pandemic so why bother trying?  My track record during “normal times” is less than desirable so you can imagine how bad it is now.

The last date I went on was actually a few weeks ago. This guy randomly found me on Facebook and asked me out to dinner. He is ten years older than I am but fairly attractive so I agreed. Before we went out, we would text and talked on the phone a couple times. He seemed nice but he was a little forward by asking me if I like massages and shit. Of course, I like massages, but this is so typical of men to slide this into the conversation to see how open you are to sexting. He was a little annoying with telling me how sexy I am and how lucky he is that I agreed to go out with him. I almost backed out of the date but I know how guarded I can be so I told myself to just give it a chance.

Truth be told, I knew we had different political viewpoints before we went out but I’m open to hearing other perspectives as long as they don’t offend my values.

We met at a nice restaurant and had a couple drinks. Our conversation was interesting to say the least. He was definitely unique. He owns a martial arts school and told me he practiced mindfulness and meditation yet he held a lot of right-winged conservative beliefs when it came to gun ownership and taxes. He threw out a few conspiracy theories that made me cringe but admitted he wasn’t a Trump supporter. He listen to my views and I listened to his—with respect. We didn’t see eye to eye on most things but he had the willingness to see another perspective as did I.

I knew he wasn’t “my person” and we broke all the first date rules talking about religion and politics but it was a nice conversation none the less. He insisted on paying the bill and acted like a complete gentleman….until he walked me to my car. I went to give him a hug good-bye and thanked him for the drinks when he went in to kiss me. Now, normally a make out session would be no big deal but we are dealing with COVID and you would think he would ask if I was comfortable with kissing first. He did say he has to be tested all the time because of his school but still…

Admittedly, it’s been so long that I’ve been kissed that a part of me craves it until it’s actually happening with a guy that can’t kiss—at all. Figures! The kiss would be bad enough but then when I went to turn it into another good-bye hug, he took both hands, grabbed my ass and proceeded to smack it. Yep…I’m not kidding. He went there. He pulled me closer and told me what a great ass I have and that my body is so sexy.

 I think I was in shock because all I could do is laugh and say, “Oh my God, I can’t believe you just sexually assaulted me like that.” I’m sure he thought I was kidding because I did laugh after all. In my mind, I was saying, “What makes this asshole think it’s okay to kiss me and grope my body like that on a first date!?”

I know I can be old fashion at times but I’m sorry, I just don’t think that it’s ever appropriate to grab a woman’s ass like that unless she is overtly giving out DTF vibes—even then wait until you get to know her better for God’s sake! Was this dude asleep during the #MeToo movement? Doesn’t he know he should get some form of consent first? Needless to say, he’s an idiot who doesn’t know how to treat women.

In fact, when I turned down his offer to cook me dinner and told him how I felt about him grabbing my ass, he apologized and said he was just being “goofy”. Goofy? Really dude?

I had no intention of ever seeing him again but I accepted his apology. I felt the need to tell him that it’s a big turn off when a man sexualizes me before getting to know me. He apologized again and asked if we could start over. When I said, “No I don’t think so.” His response was, “After all our talk and connection for a 2 second mistake? Sorry, I got turned on—geez it’s being human!”

That answer tells me all I need to know. He showed me that he has the emotional intelligence of a 14-year-old boy.

Now that I’ve caught you up on the latest and greatest in my sad little life, I hope it sheds some light on why I’ve been MIA the past several months.

The truth is I feel lost at times. Yes, I learned a lot about myself in the past five years since I started this blog. I hope that some stories made you laugh, some made you cry, and perhaps some made you reflect. The purpose of me writing these stories is to make you feel less alone. We’re on this crazy journey together. 

Whether you’ve been divorced for years or just starting the process–we all share a common bond. An understanding of what it’s like to lose a part of yourself but explore the best parts of yourself yet to come.

 It’s not an easy journey but a necessary one. You will let go of the past bit by bit until you uncover who you really are– and what makes you whole. Only you can do that. Not a man. Not a partner. Not a six-figure salary. Just you.

I think I found myself again today. Writing is my therapy and gives me purpose. I forgot how much it makes me feel grounded—whether anyone reads it or not. I’m back and I will not lose my way just because life throws me a few challenges. I believe it’s preparing me for the greatness that lies ahead—for all of us.

With Faith, Hope, and Love,