Wants vs. Needs

I’m beginning to think that I’ve past the point of no return. I have entered the sweet spot of enjoying my freedom living the single life. Trust me it takes a lot to get here but I’ve finally settled into the acceptance of being alone without feeling lonely. The realization that you can have a fulfilling happy life without a partner. Letting go of the narrative that we’ve been brainwashed to believe that you aren’t complete without being in love. Not caring about the looks of pity and disillusionment from family and friends that can’t understand why you’re still single. After all these years of unsuccessful attempts to find my soulmate, I’m throwing in the proverbial towel. I’m not giving up on finding love necessarily, I’m just giving up the need to have it.

Sure, I want to find love someday, but I don’t desperately need it. I don’t think I ever did. Let’s face it, men can be a royal pain in the ass! I’m kidding of course but to be fair, so can women. It’s not directly correlated to a particular gender—it’s actually tied to relationships in general. If romantic relationships were like our friendships, we would be so much better off.

Hear me out on this one—you don’t expect your friends to spend every waking second of the day thinking about you, spending time with you, texting you, or thinking up ways to please you. Yet, when we enter into a relationship that’s exactly what we expect. It’s like the world now has to now revolve around this person and you have eat, sleep, and breathe their very existence. It’s very unhealthy when you think about it. I wonder who made up the rules to this psychotic behavior.

Suddenly, you like a person romantically, so your whole life has to come to a halt, and you now obsess about when this person is going to show you some attention. It’s sick really. I don’t need my loved ones to constantly be glued to my side, calling me, or sending me text messages, yet that’s exactly what happens when you start dating someone.

The truth is I’m good all by myself and unlike in the Ne-Yo song I’m quoting, I’m not willing to believe that a man “can make me better” especially not at the expense of my own independence. I think society has tried to indoctrinate us by putting unrealistic “relationship goals” in all these love songs, Disney movies and Rom-Coms. We have consumed and digested these social norms our entire lives and when you meet someone, you transfer that dogma into your relationship. I’m one hundred percent guilty of this myself. I may be aware of it and it’s toxicity but it doesn’t mean I won’t still do it. It’s like it’s embedded in our DNA.

Honestly, I think it’s’ my unrealistic expectations that have been preventing me from finding someone. No one is ever good enough because I want the fantasy of the perfect man that doesn’t exist. That being said, I’m not going to just accept the complete assholes I’ve dated in the past and lower my standards—I’m just not going to put so much weight into believing someone can make me happy. I have to be happily single first. I see too many women (and sometimes men) that get caught in the mental trap believing that they can’t truly be happy unless they are in a relationship. May I remind you of the time you were in a relationship and that person actually made you absolutely miserable?! Fear of being alone is what makes people stay in broken marriages and toxic relationships. We have to look past our fear and realize that we will be absolutely fine without being in a relationship.

It’s not until you’re in the relationship with the right person that can fulfill your emotional needs that you will be truly happy. Until then, you have to be happy without that person. In order to do that you have to deprogram those beliefs you hold that you can’t be happy until you find that person. Do you follow me? You actually have to surrender the “needing”. Having beliefs that you “need” a partner sends energy out that is actually quite desperate and will prevent you from attracting the right partner. You can want a partner but you don’t need a partner to find happiness. Once you practice this mindset shift, you can start to feel the difference in your life.

Very few people go throughout their life without finding love, so just trust that it will happen without trying to force it. Surrendering your need while still holding space for your wants is a healthier place to be. That is when you’ll attract that love that you desire.

I understand we are hard wired to find a deeper connection with another person but it doesn’t mean we have to be desperate to find it. It also doesn’t mean we have to give up our independence when we do. Finding balance is the key to everything in life. Balancing our needs and wants no matter where we are in our lives and accepting that no matter what we are going through it is teaching us something we have to learn in order to grow. We won’t learn anything if we have attachments to toxic relationships that throw us off balance. If we allow a person in our life that doesn’t consistently make us happy then what’s the point of having them in our lives at all?

We are better off alone than living with someone who makes us feel unloved. I have come to realize that I will be just as happy single as I will be when I’m in a relationship. Being in a relationship is not a guarantee of happiness. When the butterflies go away and the problems arise (and they always do), the feelings of happiness will only be found within yourself. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that finding someone is going to fix everything. You have to fix it before you find them. All you have to do is accept your life for what it is right in this very moment and trust that love will come to you when the time is right. Working on healing those old demons that tell you you’re unloved or unlovable is the only way to get there. Work on the relationship you have with yourself and that will bring you closer to what you want instead of what you think you need.

With Faith, Hope, and Love,