Plenty of Fish or Flounder?

Against my better judgment—I did it again. I know I said I would never go on an online dating site after the last disaster, but I caved. I blame it on all these podcasts I listen to about getting out there and finding love. Countless stories of others finding true love online.

Just the other day, I was listening to NPR’s TED Radio Hour and a woman, Amy Webb who is a researcher talked about how she used mathematics, probability, data, and algorithms to find true love. Her well-crafted spreadsheet led her to create a profile to attract her perfect mate. Actually, she copied and pasted her resume, because let’s face it, men don’t actually read your profile with any real discrimination. She came up with a list of 72 data points in order to crack the code of the dating site algorithm. She found love using a numbers game.

Now, I don’t consider myself a math whiz by any means, but I certainly believe in creating a detailed list of the attributes you are looking for in a mate. My list is growing by the minute.

This and the book I’m reading by Brene’ Brown called “Daring Greatly” that talks about vulnerability, led me to yet another deep dive into the dating world. Brene’ talks about courage and putting yourself out there becoming vulnerable is the only way to finding a true connection. She states that,

Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

This made me realize that I’ve been hiding away. Hoping that something might happen, but not really taking action in order to make it happen. I’m not Daring Greatly. More like Hiding Safely.

So to quote Gaga and the sexy Bradley Cooper,

“I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in

I’ll never meet the ground

Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us

We’re far from the shallow now”

Full disclosure, I’m already regretting it. I researched the best dating sights but when they wanted to charge me $40 a month for an average of 40 disappointments, I went with the only free site that I haven’t tried before and the one that had the highest number of members (over 500K versus others at 150K) to increase my probability of finding Mr. Right.

Yep, Plenty of Fish to keep in line with the diving metaphor. I just uploaded my worst profile ever. I made a list of reasons not to message me; If your married or newly separated—don’t message me. If you’re looking for a hook-up or a booty call—don’t message me. If you’re under 35 or over 60—don’t message me. I really wanted to put if you’re under 5’10’’—don’t message me, but I deleted it thinking that brought my bitchiness to a whole other level. I made my profile as unappealing as possible because it makes me chuckle and as a social experiment thinking no one is going to want to date a bitch like that…boy was I wrong!

It’s only been less than an hour and I’ve received over 60 messages and over 100 men that want to meet me. Now, this is not to brag. The men that are messaging me like “humpty hump07”, “Pleasure4uCT” and “lumpydonald” are nothing to brag about—trust me. Most of them are saying they love my candor and that they meet the criteria. One asked me if I was looking for a “Sugar Daddy”? Why…yes “beach87”…indeed I am! Hook me up with a new beach house would ya?

My phone is blowing up and not in a good way. This scares the living crap out of me. I’ve been down this road before and it’s a scary, dark, desolate road with men driving creepy vans with no windows. Lord, help me…what have I done? I think I might just delete my profile, but then, am I being a coward not Daring Greatly? Would Brene’ be disappointed in my cowardice?

There has to be a better option out there! This is ridiculous. I really should open up my own matchmaking business for women like me that want a normal, attractive guy that takes you out on actual dates that he can afford to pay for at the end of the night that doesn’t come with the assumption of sex as repayment. Does this even exist anymore? I’m starting to wonder. Are my standards too high? Am I living in a fantasy world with unicorns and rainbows when the reality is there is nothing but little trolls under 5’8” that scroll all day long for booty calls?

I’m all for “Daring Greatly” but this is tragically disappointing. I think I’ll stick to stalking men at Home Depot and sports bars. The “plenty” of fish are starting to smell.

With Faith, Hope, and Love