People often ask the question of how long will it take for the pain to go away after your heart is broken and the answer is never definitive. For some, it can take a few months and for others it can take a lifetime. Everyone’s pain is unique and coping mechanisms are ingrained deep within your subconscious.
For some people it may seem like they move on quickly and fall in love again effortlessly. For others the pain seems to linger and they close themselves off in a protective shell hiding away from vulnerability. Neither one is right or wrong, yet neither approach gets to the place of truly healing.
The saying, “Time heals all wounds” is not necessarily true. Yes, in time the pain dissipates and the wounds fade but the scares will always remain visible. This is true of any pain. It shapes us and molds us into the person we become and continue to become. A child being picked on in first grade on the playground will carry that pain in a belief they form about themselves based on that particular encounter. Just for a moment, close your eyes and go back to that time when someone hurt you. Visualize the scene. Who was there? What did they say about you? Do you feel it? The pain is still there under the surface. At that moment a belief was formed from a lie that someone told you about yourself and it probably stayed with you throughout your life. What you choose to do with it will determine who you become and how you overcome it.
The truth is that sometimes pain can be our greatest teacher. No one is immune to pain and struggle. Every human being on the planet will go through difficult times. Why does it have to be this way? Essentially because we can’t grow without our pain. It is during times of loss and struggle that we not only find the deeper meaning in life, but we find our determination to move past it and gain strength from it.
It makes us strengthen our resilience and find our true purpose. Tragedy can either paralyze you or push you to mobilize a movement both personally and collectively. It’s important to embrace the pain and use it to transform. To gain understanding and compassion for others going through their own pain. To dig deeper within yourself to use that pain to become a better version of you.
What if I told you how long it will take to heal is up to you? You can stay stuck wallowing in the pain, anger and bitterness or you can use it as a catalyst to make change. It is all up to you. In the beginning it is difficult to see past the pain, but you will get there. The process is arduous and does take time, but the more you hold onto the past or person that caused you pain–the longer the process will take.
Earlier I gave two scenarios of one person moving on quickly and the other hiding away from love to avoid being hurt again. Here’s why neither scenario is the ideal way to heal. On one hand you have a person that wants so badly to move on that they fall in love with the next person that comes into their life that seems like the right fit. This person is not being honest with their feelings and shoving them into a dark corner of the room and covering it up with a pretty little flower pot. The dirt is still there–you just can’t see it because all you’re focusing on is nurturing the little flower pot. Eventually the person you’re with will see the dirt that’s piled up in corner and bring it out in the open. Cleaning up the mess while you’re in a relationship can bring out the worse in you and you will have to navigate your pain while trying to build a foundation for your new relationship. The cracks will start to show and you try to cover them up again instead of healing them.
On the other hand, the person who builds up a wall and doesn’t want to feel vulnerable again will never be able to grow on their own. Yes, you have to take time for yourself before rushing into another relationship that is doomed for failure, but you also have to open your heart. Shutting yourself off will not allow you to recognize your triggers and learn better way to deal with them in a new relationship.
I’ve learned so much about myself from the people I’ve dated. I’ve learned to be completely honest and to listen to my gut, my heart and my head. You see, they all have to be aligned. The head will tell you if this person is right for you logically based on trustworthiness, appearance, vocation, similarities, and stability. The heart will tell you to fall in love with this person and give them all your time and attention because they make you feel good. The gut will tell you the most important thing of all, which is whether or not this person is right for you based on what the head and the heart is telling you. They all have to be in alignment in order to know if the decision is right. They all have to be aligned to know when you are truly healed. So, do yourself a favor and take your time. Embrace the process. Look forward instead of looking back and you will find that place of healing. It’s in your power to move forward so make the choice.