Did you ever ask yourself why getting a divorce or going through a break-up is so damn hard? What about when you talk to married couples about how happy they are and you get a lot of eye rolling and they usually let out a big sigh and tell you that “marriage is hard and it’s a lot of work.” Doesn’t that make you pause for a minute and make you realize that both being single and being married are equally as difficult at times and come with their own challenges?
What if I told you that the difficulty that comes from divorce or your marriage is simply a matter of perspective? What if I told you that you can make it as difficult or as easy as you want it to be by simply shifting your beliefs about either situation? It’s true– you can. Not by denying when you’re feeling sad, alone or afraid, but by acknowledging those feelings then shifting your beliefs to reflect the truth. We know deep down the truth is that we are happier without them, because in order for you to get to the point that you had to sever yourself from this person, it had to be pretty damn bad in the first place.
Why then, do we lament over the fact that we are no longer with the person that made us miserable instead of being happy that we are free from this toxic relationship that held us down and killed our joy? The reason is simple–as humans we tend to focus on lack and that whatever our current situation is we want more…we’re rarely ever satisfied. The truth is humans are greedy and even when you attain what you want….it’s never enough is it?
Let’s just get real for a minute…remember a time when you REALLY wanted something and you thought if only I could lose those 20 pounds…if only I could get that big house…or go on that fancy vacation…then and only then will I be content and happy. Fast forward a little and you lost the 20 pounds, buy the big house and go on the fancy vacation and you’re still a miserable wretch. You see yourself 20 pounds lighter in a picture and you still hate the way you look and want to lose more weight…you buy the big house and now you hate cleaning it and need to remodel it…you go on the big fancy vacation and all you do is come back and complain about how much money you spent or how the airline lost your luggage and bumped your flight up two hours– now the whole trip was shot to hell because of this one incident. We are NEVER fully satisfied! NEVER! Sure there are glimpses of happiness and fleeting thoughts of contentment, but when the hell are we ever completely satisfied with where we are in life? I’ll tell you it’s not when we were married that’s for damn sure.
So then tell me, why do we hold on to the pain and believe that we are only unhappy because we’re alone? Society has conditioned us that way—that’s why. Look around you and through a different lens; look at how we buy into the notion that we need the fancy house, the expensive car and the marriage with 2.5 kids in order to live happily ever after. It’s all bullshit! Complete 100% bullshit because I know people that have all of those things and they’re still not happy and content. You might have had it at one point in your life and it didn’t make you happy either.
The point is that we have to learn to look at where ever we are in life (at this very moment) and we have to accept it and realize that we can be happy if we CHOOSE to be. Those of us that are healing from divorce have to process the feelings, but we also have to realize that our lives are actually better without being in a toxic relationship. Those of you that are married but sometimes feel dissatisfied or wonder if there is someone better out there, need to realize that this is as good as it gets and your spouse is pretty damn awesome even when he leaves the toilette seat up. We have to stop this tendency to never be satisfied with what we have and perseverate on all the negative things that have happened.
Trust me I struggle with this too. Yes, my husband lied and cheated. Yes, I lost my job unfairly. Yes, I’m losing my house. All of those things suck…really bad, but if I just change my perspective, suddenly I can see that I am happy to be out of a toxic relationship with someone who disrespected me. I’m not in a stressful job working 11 hours a day for people who didn’t appreciate my hard work and dedication and I’m getting rid of a house that causes me nothing but stress and drains every last penny out of my bank account. I AM HAPPIER DAMMIT! Now, I’m not saying all of these things shouldn’t have caused me stress and heartache, but I am saying that after the pain subsides, I can honestly look at all of these shitty things being a blessing in disguise. If nothing else, I should be celebrating that I have had the strength to get through it without ending up in the looney bin or rehab! That’s a huge achievement…don’t ya think?
Whether you’re divorced, single or questioning your marriage find the happiness where you are right now and stop listening to that greedy little shit in the back of your mind that tells you it’s not good enough. Your life, right now, just as it is, is good enough. All you have to do is believe that it is just like Glinda the good witch taught Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz.
Glinda: You had the power to go back home the whole time.
Dorothy: I have?
Scarecrow: Then why didn’t you tell her before?
Glinda: She wouldn’t have believed me. She had to learn for herself.
Scarecrow: What did you learn Dorothy?
Dorothy: Well, I –I think that it, that it wasn’t enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em—and it’s that –if I ever go looking for my heart’s desire again, I won’t look any further than my own backyard. Because if it isn’t there, I never really lost it to begin with.
Now, just close your eyes and click your heels three times…