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Dating for Dummies…or is it Dating Dummies?

My quest to find a kind, decent, funny, attractive, intellectual man continues.  I can’t say that I found one man that fits any or all of those criteria, but it hasn’t stopped me from trying.  I had to cut the British Actor loose. He was far too eccentric for me and was too broke to take me out on a real date…so b-bye.   I’m talking to about five different guys at the moment…or is it six…anyways, I find that everyone has something to teach me about myself and what I’m looking for in a partner. Turns out I’m a “sapiosexual”.  I saw this term on this guy’s profile and thought he was into something kinky, so of course I swiped left immediately. When I looked up the term, it came up on urban dictionary as; “one who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature.” Who knew!?  You learn something new about yourself every day!  In fact, each unique individual brings me more clarity on what I want and what I don’t want. For example:

The “Personal Trainer” is teaching me that I can’t date someone that is not intellectually stimulating. We spoke on the phone and it was pretty clear that he is very much into fitness and fitness and fitness and absolutely nothing else but fitness. Ugh!

The “Gospel Singer” is teaching me that I can’t date someone who is too conservative and close minded. I don’t know for sure that he is closed minded, but if you don’t believe in gay marriage and equal rights for all people, chances are I’m going to cuss you out at one point. He seems very sweet at this point, so I will assume he’s not that much of a bible banger.

The “Executive Chef” is the only guy I spoke to from EHarmony. The only problem so far, is that he lives in Rhode Island which is over 60 miles away. We had a great conversation over the phone. I really like his personality so far, but we’ll see if he’s a front runner. He’s very smart and he wants to cook for me 😉 Winner Winner chicken dinner!

The “Astrologer” is very interesting so far.  He thinks our zodiac signs are the most compatible (Gemini and Aquarius).  He was in a 20-year relationship (like myself). He likes to dance to Hip Hop and likes intellectual conversation.  So far, it’s a match, but you can never tell until you meet someone in person.

That’s why this online dating thing is so confusing, yet interesting at the same time.  You match with a person physically first based on a picture, then you might have a good conversation via email, you may even have a good phone conversation, but until you meet them in person and get a sense of what kind of energy they have and how connected you feel– you just never know!  Then you may have a great connection but there’s no chemistry and you immediately want to put them into the friend zone.

I hate to admit this, but I started watching the “Bachelor” last season.  I was always against it because I thought it was ridiculous and couldn’t stand how all these beautiful women were essentially fighting over one man and crying over him when he picked someone else. Ugh!  I can’t stand it when women don’t have a strong sense of self and fall all over a guy thinking he’s the ‘one’ just because he’s attractive and showing her attention. I could never compete over a guy like that.

I started watching it thinking it would be great research for “my writing” at first.  I quickly became hooked because it is the best recipe for a social experiment when it comes to love and dating.  Much like “Survivor” is a social game more than a test of endurance and survival skills (love that show too).

Seeing all the personalities of the women on the show was so interesting to me. Now, I’m watching this seasons “Bachelorette” and I love watching all the different personalities of the men.  I like to put myself in the shoes of the bachelorette (Jo Jo is her name) and wonder which qualities in the men she is dating would appeal to me.  Some of the guys seem amazing, while others are total D-bags. There is an interesting dynamic with one guy who is attractive, successful and tells Jo Jo everything she wants to hear, but behind the scenes he is a psychopath trying to intimidate all the other guys. He is definitely suffering from some serious “roid rage”.  Fortunately, she is starting to see through it and he’ll be kicked off the show, but it makes me think about how women are sometimes attracted to the “bad boys”.  In some ways– I am too. (insert emoticon with monkey covering his eyes in shame)

I tend to be attracted to men that have a slight edge to them. Perhaps with a little bit of asshole in them. I’m not proud of it. I’m trying my damnedest to snap the hell out of it, but a small part of me likes a little tiny bit of bad boy, I’m sorry!

An ex-boyfriend that I dated several months after my divorce reached out to me to wish me a happy birthday. He wants to get together to catch up this week, but I’m hesitant.  He was a really nice guy. Maybe too nice. He was kind, sensitive, giving, fun, smart…even got along great with my friends.  So why did I break up with him, you ask?  I want to say it’s because I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship so soon after my divorce, but I think it’s because he was too nice.  He was very sensitive and cried quite a few times about things that happened in his childhood. Now, I consider myself a pretty empathetic and compassionate person, but I couldn’t help thinking this guy is too much of a wuss!  How awful of me, right?! Again, I’m not proud of it, but I guess I like a “man’s man” but with a sensitive side…. just not too sensitive. :p

Four years later, I would hope that I would have a different perspective. I have had all this time to grow and heal. Maybe if we rekindled things now, I would see him in a different light.  Still not sure if I want to open that can of worms, but then again, why not?!

My advice to all you ladies out there on the dating scene, first of all don’t get too discouraged by all the dummies out there and secondly, approach all your dates like an interview process.  No, I don’t mean grill the guy all night long with probing questions. What I mean by that is, be open to dating all different types of men. Don’t go into a date focused on yourself. Too many women go on dates worrying about how they look and what they’re wearing and whether the guy is going to like them. STOP IT!  Stop it right now!  Go into every date with confidence that you are an amazing woman that he would be lucky to have and the attitude that YOU are the interviewer not the interviewee. This will change your perspective on dating tremendously, trust me.  Think of it as shopping for a car…you might like the body on one, but the other car handles better on the road, while another one comes with more features. Lol! My point is, there is a lot to choose from out there and you might not get everything you’re looking for, but it’s okay to take one or two for a test drive. 😉 Just don’t be a ho!

With Faith, Hope, and Love

~Teresa

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