I often wonder what differentiates the people who find love soon after a divorce and those of us that find ourselves rolling our eyes every time we hear that stupid song, “All the Single Ladies” at a party when everyone turns to us expecting our hands to go up like it’s our f**king national anthem. Don’t get me wrong I love me some Beyoncé, but I hate that damn song. Let’s face it…no one likes being single all the time. Even the self-proclaimed bachelor gets lonely on a Friday night or wants to cuddle on a Sunday morning. They’re just too selfish to want to put in the work to keep anyone around permanently. (Too selfish or too scared). One thing I’ve learned is that men spook easily when it comes to real commitment. They tend to want to keep their options open just in case there’s something prettier around the corner. Women on the other hand can be stage 4 clingers and want to attach themselves to anyone that shows them attention. Of course these are complete stereotypes about men and women but they are false beliefs that we carry with us and the reasons why we are still single.
How many times have you heard that “all the good ones are taken”? If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that…I’d be rich. I’ve said it myself a dozen times, but I always check myself and realize that I’m perpetuating that belief. The truth is there is someone for everyone. The only thing stopping you from finding love is the road blocks that you’ve created for yourself. Those road blocks may be false beliefs that you carry about men or negative beliefs that you believe about yourself. Either way, you are your own worst enemy when it comes to finding love.
Fear of getting your heart broken and the belief that somehow you can’t survive another disappointment prevents the possibility of love finding its way in. Fear that you’re not good enough or the lie that you believe that no one could love you because of the few extra pounds you’ve gained watching depressing love stories while you’re eating your feelings. The reason your single is because you’ve created this protective armor around yourself with a full platoon of reasons why you can’t find a decent man (or woman). Those people that are able to move on quickly are the ones that chose to remain open or they’re just so desperate to find someone new that they settle for the next person that comes along. Either way, they are open and the fact of the matter is that you are not.
I enjoyed being single for quite a few years after my divorce. I was having fun reliving the youth I had lost when I got married at the age of twenty. My armor was on then too but for different reasons. I wanted to be free and find out who I was without the title of wife. Now that I’ve had my fun, I’ve realized that I was attracting the wrong kind of men because of the invisible shield I was carrying that had the letters “F OFF” etched into it…I was hiding behind my pain and fear. I was the reason for attracting those men because a ‘good’ man wasn’t going to come near me knowing there was no way of penetrating my well-armed defense. Does this sound at all familiar? Come on ladies…put your hands up!
It’s time to put the armor down and surrender to love again. You have to get rid of the false beliefs that you have about men and about yourself. You are good enough and you are meant to be loved. Stop hiding behind the fear and be open to the possibility–that’s when you’ll find it. Yes, I have to practice what I preach and I’m slowly getting there, but identifying it is the first step. Even in healthy relationships we sometimes hide behind our armor because we’re afraid of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is the only way love can get in, so put down your guard and accept that love is worth it. We all have the scars to prove it.