I’ve had a couple of weeks to process (and admittedly ruminate) on my recent “encounters” with men. When I meet someone that I’m attracted to and they are seemingly interested in me, I often size them up in just a few hours. I listen very carefully to what they are saying and what they are not saying. Some people will tell you right away that they aren’t looking for anything serious and others will tell you that they want to find “love”. I’m always leery of the ones that say they want to find love and tell you all the things you want to hear because “love bombers” are the worst of them all. Men who say all the right things and move a little too quickly are typically master manipulators and sometimes even narcissistic.

Men who are honest and tell you in so many words that they are not looking for a serious relationship but then say things to make you believe you could change all that are most likely just trying to get in your pants. Then there are the dudes that straight-up lead with sex. Women do this too but usually for different reasons. Women who lead with sex typically have been burned a few too many times and just want to feel desired again without any expectation of true intimacy. They’re jaded by men who didn’t invest in them and put up a wall of protection. I’m not saying men don’t do this as well, but men also contend with their innate sexual desire and are often in conflict with the physical and emotional. They know that they have to seduce a woman in order to have those needs met. Women barely have to ask.

I know this may sound simplistic and unfair to men but I’m only going on my past experience and from countless women who experienced the same. With that said, I am a true believer that there are men out there who truly do want to find love. If fact, everyone wants to find love, they just haven’t done the work to realize that they’re blocking that love from coming into their lives. Just because someone wants desperately to find love doesn’t mean they want to find it with you.

Please bear with me while I get a little spiritual here—

I’m a big believer in the notion that we manifest exactly what we are ready for in relationships. You may say that you want to find the love of your life but if your beliefs, mindset, and actions aren’t aligned with that then you’ll keep attracting those people that are emotionally unavailable or sexual partners that end up feeling shallow and fleeting. If you have resentment in your heart for past lovers and say things like, “They’re all the same”—that’s exactly what the universe will keep bringing you. Changing your mindset to recognize that you actually received exactly what you asked for but then hoped for more is a complete contradiction. You have to be very clear with what you want and need and then and only then that person will present themselves. This shift is a game changer. The belief that past lovers have shown up to teach you something you needed to learn about yourself takes the ownest off of the other person and points the mirror right back at you.

If I’m completely honest with myself I recognize that I’ve created my entire dating life based on my beliefs. I manifested men to desire me and that’s exactly all I got. I manifested outrageous dating experiences so I could write about them and that’s exactly what I got. I decided to be celibate because I was tired of dating and wanted to focus on myself and the universe sent me no one to get in the way. Recently, as I said in my last post, I was done being celibate and I just wanted a decent guy to have sex with and that is…exactly…what….I…got. Do you see where I’m going here? We create our own reality. The people that come into your life are just a reflection of that.

I have said to everyone I’ve dated that I don’t want to get married again. I was married for 20 years of my life and after my divorce, I loved the freedom of standing on my own two feet. I had something to prove being a young girl that had been taken care of my entire life. I told myself I never wanted to feel controlled or stifled. I wanted to live my life on my own terms with no one to answer to again.

I convinced myself that marriage was an antiquated institution of ownership to oppress women. My inner feminist felt that I didn’t need a man to complete my life and that I was just fine on my own. Well, that’s another example of my contradicting beliefs. Wanting to find love but with conditions. You can’t have your freedom and be in a committed relationship at the same time.

Don’t misunderstand—you can find a partner that allows you to have your own time and space but too much of that space will only create distance. There is a happy medium in there that allows you the security of a loving relationship without losing your sense of self. That is my ultimate goal. I won’t say that I never want to get married again because marriage shouldn’t be about ownership and control. Marriage should be a bond that connects two people together in a sacred commitment to one another. Not in a fairytale way but in the way of finding that person that you want to share your life with on a deeper level. The ultimate commitment is marriage. It doesn’t have to be in the traditional sense but it does involve two people that vow to stay together through the good times and bad.

Those of you that know me are probably falling off your chair right now but I’ve shifted my mindset to be in alignment with what I am asking for in this life. I want a person to share my life with–not just on the weekends. Not just when it’s convenient for me but someone that will be by my side with unwavering love and commitment. That is what I will manifest in my life because I’m done standing on my own two feet. I’ve exhausted the need to protect myself from the hurt and pain. I found through these past two experiences that you can trust in the right person. I know to listen carefully to what people are telling me before I get invested. More importantly, I learned to see what people are showing me. In the wise words of my favorite writer/poet, Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are—believe them”. Then you know when to walk away to save yourself.

I’ve let go of the belief that all men are the same because that’s simply not true. Men want love just as much as women do, they might just not want it with me. That’s not a reflection of me. That’s a reflection of their own journey to find it. Demonizing the people you’ve had failed relationships with is only your bruised ego wanting them to love you. Lamenting on past relationships is not about the person they were, but only about the person you hoped they could be. They were never yours so let them go with love and compassion. This will make room for the person you are meant to find and more importantly, it will open your heart to receive them.

With love,