Oops, I Did It Again!

I told myself I was done with this online dating crap, but that little ding and notification bubble pops up and I’m like a crack whore unable to put the pipe down.  Okay, bad analogy, I admit, but you get what I mean.  😉

So this guy ends up sending me a message and I can’t help but respond because I was bored a feeling a little lonely that day.  I tell myself he’s not the typical pretty boy that I’ve been drawn to and he seems like he has his act together…so I agree to go out on a date with him.  We go to dinner and my first thought is that he is much cuter than his picture and a lot….how do I say this without sounding offensive…less vertically challenged then I thought he would be? Turns out he just lost 120 lbs…yikes!  

I can tell he’s nervous and slightly on the geeky side, but I’ve been asking to find a “nice guy”, so I’m trying to keep an open mind.  We had great conversation and he is incredibly smart, but I would  have preferred to end the conversation about politics much sooner.  (At least we saw eye to eye on most things). He takes me to my car and we talk for another hour or more. I’m enjoying the conversation, but I notice something is missing. Chemistry…

Damn it! Here’s a nice guy who was a perfect gentlemen with decent job and I’m not feeling it.  I’m not rushing to any quick judgments, so I’m consciously trying to put some effort into this. He had already asked me to go on a second date to see a comedy show before we even met. There was a comedian he likes in town and said he didn’t have anyone to go with, so I agreed.  Keeping in mind my recent track record with second dates being complete disasters of course.

Well, my track record continues! We go to the show starring “Earthquake” and of course we are seated right in front of the stage.  I mean front and center! Now, let me paint a picture for you…I am the only white women in the entire room and I’m on a date with a black man. This is nothing new for me…it didn’t phase me a bit, until I became the main attraction and the butt of every joke.  I kid you not.

The first comedian left me alone, but the second one locked in on me like I was a baby gazelle. I was a prime target…easy pickings.  He started the skit by talking about all the violence going on in the news lately with police brutality and how we all just need to get along, but then he started in on me by looking directly down at me and said, “I didn’t know we were gonna have ‘company’ tonight– I have to change my whole damn act and watch what I say now”. I was rolling laughing.

 He went on to say, “we can be honest here…can’t we?  Sometimes black people are heading to work thinking… I just can’t deal with these white people today.” Then he turns to me and says,”You (white people) probably are thinking, Keisha better not be 20 minutes late to work again today?”  “Am I  right ‘Company’?!” As he goes to give me a high five.  I quickly put my hands up in protest, shaking my head. Oh no! I’m not agreeing to that shit!  I’m not stupid! The whole crowd was dying laughing and so was I, but I just wanted to crawl under the table when he gets a little raunchier and starts to ask if we role play “slave and white master” in bed!  I wanted to die!

Then Earthquake, the headliner comes on stage. I was still bright red and sweating like a whore in church, so I think he left me alone for a while…then he honed in on me…big time. He started by saying that he’s looking for a good woman and then looks at me and my date and says, “I haven’t really messed with white women too much”.

He said, “good for you brotha…you got a fine white woman”. “Some brothers mess with those ugly white women and white men don’t mind…hell, they’re thanking a brotha for taking them off the market!”

Funny right?  Then he said, “ you might wanna watch your back with that white woman though…the Klan might come after your ass” Again, everyone is laughing their asses off and I want to hide under the table because now he starts asking how long we’ve been together.  I reluctantly told him it was our second date and he starts laughing and stomping his foot saying, “Oh, shit!  You haven’t even hit that yet, have you?!”  Now I’m covering my bright red face, and shaking my head wanting to run!

 He asked how we met and this dumb ass next to me says “online”.  So of course the comedian asks which site.  I said, “never mind”, because telling the whole audience we met on Tinder would only further humiliate me.  He went on for another 10 minutes cracking jokes at my expense. until finally he felt so bad that he shook my hand thanking me for being a good sport and bought me a drink.

As we’re walking out of the crowded club. Everyone is giving me daps and telling me I handled that really well– feeling sorry for me. I wanted to get the hell out of there as fast as possible, but of course the comedians stop me on the way out as they’re selling their CD’s.  They were cool though and apologized for picking on me.  Despite the public humiliation they were funny as hell.

As my date walked me to my car, he joked and said that I took that well and that he had a blast! I jokingly said, “I’m glad you had fun at my expense!” He laughed and said it wasn’t all that bad. Then he kissed me a little bit and asked me on another date in two days.

I have to say this, he is very attentive.  He texts me all day long and really wants to get to know me. He told me he never rushes into a sexual relationship because he wants to make sure he’s with the right partner before he gets invested emotionally. Now, as you know, I’ve heard all this bullshit before, but I think I might actually believe him.  He is definitely very different from the other dirt bags I’ve dated recently and although the second date was not ideal, it was yet another funny story to tell!

I just hope I can feel a connection with him eventually, but I’m not sure that I will.  He’s a little awkward and my girl thinks I’m completely out of his league, but I want to give him a chance.  I just don’t want to lead him on. That is the tricky thing about dating.  One person is feeling it, but the other one isn’t. You want to take the time to let them grow on you or figure out if you’re compatible, but inevitably someone gets their feelings hurt.  Dating really does suck. I’m convinced all the good ones are married and now we have to settle for sloppy seconds or guys that have a lot of baggage. I guess we all have a lot of baggage the second time around.

Hopefully this will be the end to my love/hate relationship with online dating. I just think there is someone out there that I will fall madly in love with and I no longer have to subject myself to this mental cruelty.  Did I tell you I have a new nickname thanks to online dating?  Oh yea, this is a good story…I was at a party with all of my friends and one of my guy friends was noticing that my phone was blowing up with Tinder alerts. He’s like, “damn Terequa you’re popular tonight!”  I quickly grabbed the phone from him and said, “ just be thankful you’re happily married, because this is what I have to deal with”.  As I open one of the messages, the first message was from a guy (whom I never talked to) which said, “Hey Sugar Shorts” with a winky face. The whole room was laughing (again at my expense) and now thanks to him I am forever known as “Suga Shorts”. :/ Lovely….really lovely. Who the hell messages someone that??!! I certainly wasn’t wearing any shorts in any of my profile pictures. In fact, they are all very innocent looking head shots. There are some real winners out there I tell ya! SMDH!

It’s a good thing I can have a sense of humor about this whole experience, otherwise I might have completely given up and gone to the nearest convent and become Sister Teresa.

I think they should have to put a disclaimer or  warning label on these online dating commercials. Just like the prescription drug commercials, after they run the part showing the happy couples walking off into the sunset, they should have to have a fast talking announcer state;

“Use of this dating site may cause irregularities in mood, sleeplessness, weight gain, dry vagina, thoughts of suicide or other common side effects.  If any of these symptoms occur, please contact your nearest psychiatrist immediately”

With Faith, Hope, and Love

~ Teresa

Aka, Suga Shorts :p