Let Go of the Lie

Recently my strength and faith have been challenged. Just when I thought things were turning around for me, they fell apart once again. Right after the devastation of learning that I was going to be forced out of my home, I went out on faith looking for a new home wondering how I was going to afford it. I was worried that no one would rent to me having gone through a foreclosure and felt shame every time I filled out an application for a credit check.

My daughter had a friend that was looking to sell her house but decided to rent it to me instead. It would be perfect for the boys and me, so I set up a day to see the house.  The day before, she texted me and said she got into a big fight with her boyfriend and she was no longer moving in with him. Another disappointment. Another crushing blow. Despite my disappointment, my heart went out to her. My daughter had told me her story and suddenly I felt like I had to help her. She is a beautiful young girl who has lived a life beyond her years. Four years ago, she was happily engaged to be married living her dreams in the beautiful North West. Three months before their wedding day, her fiancé who was a helicopter pilot took a client out on a routine flight and died in a fatal crash.

Her world came down around her and she returned home to try to pick up the pieces. We ended up chatting over text. She apologized profusely for backing out of the deal and started to share her story with me. Suddenly, my disappointment turned to into genuine concern for this woman with a broken heart. She told me she started dating this guy who is quite a bit older than her after she lost her fiancé. She was in love with him and they had been dating for a few years when he offered to have her move in with him. I sensed that she was still mending a broken heart and was terrified of taking this next step in a new relationship. A few days later, she texted me explaining that she worked things out with her boyfriend and she would love to still rent the house if I was still interested.

I was hesitant and worried I would get my hopes up only to have them crushed again. I went to see the house with optimism, hoping everything would work out. I felt an instant connection with her. As she showed me around the house with her very protective dachshund in her arms. She pointed out the pictures she took in her wedding dress with tears in her eyes after losing her love. She told me the whole story in detail and I held back tears of my own. I helped her work through some of her pain by shedding some perspective and she thanked me for my support. I left there feeling like we came into each other’s lives for a reason, no matter what happened with the house.

She knew my story and I knew hers. Despite my horrible credit, she wanted to rent the house to me and only me. She said, “It just feels right and I trust you more than anyone with my home.” I was so relieved! Finally, something was working in my favor. A few days later, I found out I was going to get a better paying position at work that would allow me to afford the house. Everything was coming together perfectly. No, it wasn’t my dream job, but it was a means to live comfortably until I could figure out how to get my book published. I was finally going to get my fresh start and leave the bad vibes of this house and the financial troubles behind. I started training for the new job even though it wasn’t official yet. I was so excited that things were seemingly turning around.

Until they weren’t. I went into work early Monday to attend a meeting that would be part of my new role and the school. After the meeting, the principal motioned for me to come to her office. I had a big smile on my face thinking she was going to “officially” offer me the position and tell me my new salary. Then I saw that look in her eyes and my smile disappeared. She told me she was being forced to give the position to someone else from another school because the principal couldn’t work with her anymore. Tears began to fill my eyes and my head fell to my chest. Another devastating blow. Another disappointment. She even started to cry and gave me a big hug. She told me she tried to fight for me, but her hands were tied. She said although she doesn’t want to lose me, she told the other principal who now had an open position at her school to hire me.

My head was spinning. How could this be happening? Why doesn’t anything work out for me? I didn’t want to get my hopes up again about this other job because I’m sick to death of rejection after rejection from every job I’ve applied for over the past several years. I went to my car and called my sister. After I told her what happened–I just lost it. I was screaming into the phone releasing my overwhelming frustration. “FML! WHY DOESN’T ANYTHING WORK OUT FOR ME!!” My sister yelled back, “BECA– USE IT WASN’T MEANT FOR YOU! YOU’RE MEANT FOR MORE!!!” I knew she was right, but I wasn’t ready to hear it. She told me to stop believing that things don’t work out for me and that all this is happening for a reason. She reminded me that I was meant for something greater. Yeah, maybe she’s saying that because she’s my sister, but I know deep in my soul that it’s true. That same day, I got a text from the woman renting me her house asking to officially sign the lease. I wondered if I should take my sister’s advice and move in with my parents. I love them dearly, but that was the last thing I wanted to do. I would just feel like a complete failure moving back in with my parents.

I could barely hold back the tears at work. I went to talk with my friend and told her what had happened and she was in shock. I had no idea what I was going to do. I just felt like I was being kicked while I was down and I just can’t seem to catch a F’in break! She rallied all my friends together and took me out after work. I felt so supported and loved. I realized I really have nothing to complain about in the grand scheme of things but I just can’t help but wonder why I’m still in this mess. I have an amazing family and friends that have my back but my career is in the shitter and I can’t seem to figure out why.

They all said I could live with them and if it were just me, I would definitely consider it. I have to consider my boys (and my dog) and I would feel like I was intruding even if it was just temporary. I’m a stubborn Irish woman with way too much pride that was raised to be independent which sometimes works against me. That very same night, I came home and sitting on the table was the official eviction notice from the court. Another blow. Another disappointment. What the hell are the chances of all of this happening on the same exact day?? What the hell was the universe trying to tell me?

I went up to bed defeated. Sobbing into my pillow asking God…why? I spent the next few days feeling angry and scared. I didn’t know what to do. Do I go live with my friend or do I take a leap of faith and sign the lease. Neither choice was clear to me. I went back and forth in my mind weighing the pros and cons. I built a spreadsheet crunching the numbers to see if I could make it work. I read every book on publishing a book, monetizing a blog and building a coaching business. I listened to every podcast with stories of overcoming adversity. I prayed and I meditated. I got really still and I listened.

Suddenly I knew. I woke up with complete clarity that I was going to stop believing the lie that things were working against me. The lie that I’m stuck in a dead end job and debt that is keeping me there. I realized that the lie that I’ve been feeding into was the only thing keeping me from living my true purpose. This shift in mindset is all I need to move forward and live my dreams. I just have to get out of my own way and have faith that everything is happening in my favor. All of this is happening because I’m supposed to use the gift God gave me to help others through what I’ve been through. To help heal broken hearts because I’ve felt it too. To help others let go of the lie that happiness and fulfillment are not in their grasp. For all of us—it’s right there at our fingertips waiting for us to believe it and take hold.  We just have to let go of the lie.

With Faith, Hope, and Love,