Another One Bites The Dust

Dun, dun, dun….another one bites the dust. This is my new theme song obviously because the third date with the last dude was a total dud. Call me picky, but if I’m on a date and I’m looking at the person thinking he may be gay…I think it’s a problem. Which makes me wonder why so many gay men date women to stay on the DL (down low).  Personally, as a heterosexual female, I couldn’t fake liking sex with a woman just to save face. I dunno…I just find it sad that men who know they are more attracted to other men, feel like they have to create this facade and lie to themselves and the women they’re dating.  Anyway…I digress. I’m not saying this guy was definitely gay, I just think there’s a slight problem if those thoughts are going through my head all night. Wouldn’t you agree?

Needless to say, I am taking a break from the online dating scene. I may have put the crackpipe down for good this time, seeing as every single date I’ve been on is either a total disaster or someone I am completely uninterested in seeing again.  Maybe I’m too picky. Maybe I’m looking for something that doesn’t exist. Call me crazy, but aren’t you suppose to feel a spark or an instant connection with the person you are meant to be with? The only exception to that rule is if you fall in love with your best friend, in which case you still had an instant connection with them in order for them to be your best friend, right?

Maybe I have it all wrong or maybe I really don’t want to be in a serious relationship yet? I truly believe what you want and what you believe comes into your life. That’s how the universe works…usually.  Perhaps I have some work to do on myself before I can find the right person.  Even though I write about dating and relationships, I honestly don’t care one way or another. I’m not the type of woman that is desperate to find a man and will settle for anything with a pulse. I’m not willing to settle for just anyone…I want “thee one”.

I truly believe you have to be in the right head space before you find the right person.  That’s why most people who try to date seriously just after a divorce or break-up find themselves in another shitty relationship.  They haven’t taken the time to self reflect on the things they need to work on to better themselves. Here’s a good example of that– if you’re saying you want to find a “nice guy that will love you” but you’re out there doing shots with roughnecks in a bar, you’re probably not going to attract a nice guy. Duh. Seems obvious, right?

You have to put out there what you want to attract back to you. If you party and drop it like it’s hot every weekend then perhaps you’re not going to attract a mature stable individual who has a good job and doesn’t live in his mother’s basement.  Hmm, come to think of it, perhaps this is my problem? I’m really enjoying being single for the first time in my life. I love going out with my girlfriends because I’ve been a wife and mother since I was 20 years old. I really don’t want to compromise my freedom and independance, but yet I would like a man in my life.  Just not one that is going to restrict me like my ex did. (I’d rather not have to share my remote again either.)  😉

I have definitely done the work that needed to be done in order to heal after my divorce. I’ve given my children time to adjust and process the hurt that comes from their parents being apart.  It’s time for me to find happiness, despite the fact that my son has stated on several occasions he does not want to see me dating anyone. In fact, just the other day, I was trying on dresses for a wedding that I was going to and I asked his opinion.  As he was looking at the black little number I had tried on, he said, “This better not involve a man.” I looked at him with a scowl and said, “No, it’s for a wedding, but you better get use to the thought of me having a boyfriend someday.”  His response was, “Never.”  Now, I guess it’s kind of cute that he’s protective of his mom, but why is there such a double standard when it comes to me dating, but his father can run off and have a quickie marriage and it’s A-okay?! 

This is true for most sons I suppose. Especially if they are older. I have to wonder if there is a part of me that pushes men away because I don’t want to bring them into our life. I can’t imagine having a man in our home..it really freaks me out just thinking about it. I wouldn’t mind them stopping by and fixing shit once in awhile though!

All I know is that he will come when the time is right and there is no need to stress out about finding a man.  I’m perfectly fine being alone. That is what every woman needs to accomplish.  Being okay with being alone. Sorry, but if you’re constantly needing attention from men to feel good about yourself then you have some serious work to do.  You should not need validation from a man to feel that you are attractive or worthy of love.  You have to know that within yourself first and then go out a find a good man that can love you as much as you love yourself.  Otherwise you are just seeking attention from anyone who will give it to you and they will only use you for sex.  If that’s all you want….go for it, but I know I am worth more than that. You should too.

A reader asked me to expand on a post that I wrote about “Attracting the Right Partner” back in March. As I was thinking about how to expand on this, I came across a great webcast from one of my favorite teachers, Marie Forleo.  She was interviewing Tony Robbins who I’ve never really prescribed to, but he taught me something very valuable.  He asked Marie and the viewers to think about who they craved more attention from in their childhood. Their mother or father?  I honestly had to think about it, but I would say it would have to be my father.  Then he asked who did you have to be to please them?  I have to admit that stumped me a bit.  I really didn’t know.  I suppose my father wanted me to be strong and independent, because he always worked so hard that he didn’t have much energy to give to me and my siblings.  So that was what I became…strong and independent.  Then he asked what couldn’t you be in front of your father?  Yikes!  That one was even harder.  The first thing that popped in my head was weak and affectionate. So that was what I didn’t become…weak or affectionate.  It’s an interesting exercise, especially if you put it in the context of who you look for in a relationship.

Ask yourself what it is that you need in a relationship that maybe you didn’t receive as a child.  Whatever was depleted or absent in your childhood is what you attract in your relationship as an adult. This just may be the reason you ended up divorced, because you were looking for something that person couldn’t give you.  You didn’t even know you needed it and you certainly didn’t ask for it.  You still felt empty when you were with them because they didn’t know how to fulfill your needs.

This time around you have a second chance to do it right.  This may be the only good thing that comes from a divorce. Look at it as a gift.  I recommend everyone read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It is a brilliant book that teaches you how you express love and how you need to receive love.  Know this intimately before you enter into a relationship or use it as a way to fix any problems in your current relationship.  Take time now to figure out which is your love language:

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Receiving Gifts

• Acts of Service

• Physical Touch

During my marriage, mine was ‘words of affirmation’ yet ironically I was married to someone who never paid me a compliment. No wonder it didn’t work! His way of showing love was buying me gifts…the jewelry was nice, but all he had to do was tell me I was pretty. Lol

My point here is, in order to attract the right partner you have to know what it is that you truly need. It’s not a hot bod and a beard (my girl knows I’m talking about her). Yes, there has to be a physical attraction, but if all you’re looking for is what’s on the outside then you’ll never attract what you need them to be on the inside. Catch my drift?

Only when you know what those needs are, will you find a partner that can give them to you.  Only when you focus on what you need emotionally and spiritually is when you will attract the person you will fall in love with. It’s the law of attraction plain and simple. If you don’t, then you will be dating trolls off the internet calling you “Suga Shorts” and booty calling you for the rest of your life. You choose. :p

With Faith, Hope, and Love
~Teresa