In my quest to find the love of my life, my soulmate, my person, the man of my dreams, if you will, I can’t help but reminisce about the good old days. Remember when dating consisted of seeing a cute guy across the room at the roller skating rink and all you had to do was look over his way and give him a quick glance to show him you were interested? Remember the guy hanging out at the movie theater arcade that you wanted to talk to and after an hour to work up the nerve, he came up to you and asked for your number? You had to scramble around looking for a pen and a napkin to write on and you ran home hovering by the phone that hung on the wall with the spiral cord that luckily reached into the nearest bathroom, so your parents couldn’t ease drop on your conversation. Oh, the good old days…how I wish we could go back. It was so much simpler back then. You never questioned if a person liked you. You exchanged numbers, you went out on a date and then if you went out on three or four more dates, you were automatically a couple. No complications…no games.
Now you have to have a master’s degree in human psychology in order to figure out if someone is into you. It’s exhausting. Here’s how the same scenario plays out in today’s dating world. You create a dating profile on one of the dozens of dating apps hoping that the one for you may be on the one you chose. I’ve tried almost all of them. Match, eHarmony, POF, OKCupid, Tinder, Zoosk and now I’m on Bumble because I was tired of creepy men messaging me at all hours of the night trying to get laid. At least with Bumble, only the guys that I swipe right to can message me. It’s not fool-proof but it’s a hell of a lot better.
I spend my down time looking through countless profiles, trying to determine who might be compatible, based on immediate attraction from a few random pictures, the limited amount of characters allowed in their profile, and their location and whether or not it’s a reasonable commute to find love. The one thing I don’t like about Bumble (well there are many things actually) is that they don’t have to list their height. Now, this is a real deal breaker for me. I’m almost 5’9” without heals and I almost always wear heals. I really would like a guy to be at least 5’11” however superficial that may be. Anyway, back to the dating scene from hell…
I’m swiping and swiping until I come across someone interesting and then I swipe right and say “hi” with a little wavy hand emoji. I know…I know, it’s not the greatest pick-up line, but a few months ago you wouldn’t catch me dead making the first move, so I consider this tremendous progress on my part. I usually swipe right to only a few guys at a time because I find it overwhelming to carry on multiple conversations with multiple men at the same time. I had to keep notes on who they were and what we talked about because I made the mistake of confusing a few people and that was embarrassing to say the least. Even with my 3 convo limit…it still gets confusing. David in sales, Kenneth the social worker and Robert the attorney are the front-runners at the moment. When I say “at the moment” I mean it. This could change in a matter of a day. Here are the type of men (and women I assume) that are on dating sites these days:
The Sloths: These are the people that message you and show interest for weeks and weeks, but they never pull the trigger and ask you for your number never mind an actual date. They move at a glacial pace just like a sloth that takes two days to climb out of the tree.
The Over-Eager Beavers: These are the people that barely ask you two questions before they ask you on a date and are planning your wedding on the second date. These busy little beavers think it’s their job to create a barrier between you and any other potential suiters and they will have you on speed dial or clogging up you text messages all day long.
The Night Crawlers: These are the people are just looking for sex and only message you after 10 pm. If they only come out at night, chances are it’s just a booty call.
The Stray Cats: These are the people who show up in your inbox to smooth talk you and make you feel like a relationship is building. Then they go ghost on you until they show up a few days later to rub up against your leg to feed their appetite. Just like cats…they really don’t give a shit about you.
Those of you that have been on dating sites, know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. I’m so tired of starting up conversations with these people only for it to fizzle out after a week, a month or sometimes just a day. Then you have to start all over again hoping and praying that this time you may actually find someone who wants to commit to an old fashion dating approach.
Hey! Here’s a crazy idea fellas…ask her out on a freakin’ date and get to know her in person! Then, if you like her–put in the freakin’ effort to text or call throughout the day and ask her on another freakin’ date! It’s that FREAKIN’ SIMPLE!
I swear, I want to become a relationship coach to teach people how to development a damn relationship. I think people have forgotten how this shit is supposed to work. I think it’s this mentality of a kid in a candy store that can’t choose just one candy because there’s too much eye-candy to choose from. I’m guilty of it myself. Just last week, went on the first date that I have been on in a long time. We actually got along great. Unfortunately, it’s complicated seeing as his divorce isn’t final, but besides that…I think he was a great guy. On our date, I couldn’t help but think if this guy would end up being the right person for me. Per usual, I over analyze everything that comes out of his mouth and when I went to the ladies room, my Bumble app had 4 notifications from other people that I thought I might like better. It’s terrible! I’m not proud. I’m caught in the same endless vortex of cyber dating indecision as the rest of them. I just want to go back to the good ole’ days and meet someone cute at a party and make out at the movies and have picnics together and all the corny shit that goes along with falling in love. It’s not like it used to be and I feel sorry for this generation because they really missed out on the good stuff.
Instead of feeling butterflies and sparks when I meet someone, I’m creating a Excel spreadsheet in my mind and analyzing the data collected on the probability of successful margins if the relationship were to progress to the next level. I’m trying really hard to just be present in the moment with someone, but with all the dinging that is popping up on my phone–it’s nearly impossible to focus. It’s like crack. You just want the rush of the next hit. Not that I ever tried drugs that is, but that’s how I imagine it must be. Perhaps we need an AA meeting for dating app addicts. We all need to come together every time we find ourselves tying one off and slapping our veins for the next fix. No lie, my Bumble app has dinged three times as I’m writing this and it’s taking everything in me not to look at it. Hello, my name is Teresa and I’m an addict. It’s been three hours since my last hit.