It’s been months since the last time I wrote but today although uncertain of what the hell I want to write about I felt the need to try to express the emotions that are coming up for me. We are now six months into the pandemic and I feel the world has turned upside down. In the beginning of the quarantine, people were faced with the fear of the unknown and complete isolation from the outside world. Families made the best of having countless hours of time together friends were Face Timing or setting up Zoom calls just to stay connected. As the weather warmed up in the Northeast and people ventured out into nature or small gatherings in backyards you saw people connecting and finding gratitude for the little things in life. Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long when the ugliness outside our little bubbles reared its insidious head uncovering police brutality, poverty and racism in our country.
Since that time, I have been noticing a shift in people’s mindsets and that connectivity being torn further apart by debates about the political landscape of our country. Whether it is the topic of COVID-19 and your belief around strict quarantine and wearing masks or the other hot topic of being on the side of the Black Lives Matter movement or supporting law enforcement. I find myself debating about the protests being an expression of democracy for social justice and not a polarization of believing all cops are bad. This is not a debate about good cop/bad cop; it is the larger issue of systemic racial practices within the law enforcement agencies and the justice system. It is the acceptance of disproportionate violence against the black community that is covered up and swept under the rug. It is the system, which allows those police officers to get away with crimes against the community they are there to protect and serve. It is about the disproportionate imprisonment and sentences given to people of color for the same crime whites commit with lesser sentences. It is the complicit behavior of all people that are a part of a corrupt system.
I use the analogy of the child abuse that was uncovered within the Catholic Church. No, not all priest were abusing children but they knew that it was happening throughout the organization and did nothing to stop it. They were complicit in knowing it was wrong and instead of helping those poor children, they turned a blind eye and pretended to be serving God. In my opinion, if you are part of an organization that is doing harm and/or supporting that organization in participation you are a part of the problem and you are allowing evil it to continue.
I didn’t sit down to write today expecting to share my unsolicited opinions but yet that is what is weighing on me so heavily these days. I have this feeling of overwhelm and deep sadness. Maybe I’m experiencing mild depression and need a therapist. Seems everyone is experiencing some sort of turmoil in their lives even if they’re trying to bury their head in the sand and not think about it. In a way, I think this whole pandemic was a way for the universe to get us to wake the fuck up. A collective upheaval of our busy everyday lives being stopped in its tracks in order for us to re-evaluate our lives and uncover a global problem of power, corruption, pollution, health, and wellness. Perhaps it’s all in God’s plan to get us to stop burying our head in the sand and take a look inwardly and equally important—outwardly at the things that need to change to make our lives and others’ lives more balanced and peaceful.
It might have to get worse before it gets better but that is true any time you need to grow. As in all times of growth and enlightenment, we have to experience a period of fear and discomfort in order to make change. I hope that is the case. I hope that people can have difficult conversations about these topics and still find understanding—respecting each other’s perspectives instead of causing greater divisiveness. I’ve started to have a new practice of taking a moment to say a little prayer in every situation I’m in to say the right things to help open hearts and minds. I ask God…the universe whatever you choose to call it to help me understand a different perspective and find the words to bring our beliefs to the center instead of opposing corners ready to rip each other’s heads off. I pray for patience with people that rub me the wrong way or don’t share my viewpoints. I want to be better than what I was. I want to grow and change hearts. I want love to win. We can’t do that by getting sucked down a rabbit hole of fear and hate created by mainstream media or click bait conspiracy theories on social media. Take a step back from the madness and just listen. Listen to stories of hope and love and try to shut out the noise. The world shifting—hopefully for the better. Do your part to be aware and take action when needed but don’t let it consume you. Find balance.
I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection and I need to make real change in my life. Professionally and yes, romantically. I’ve learned a lot about myself in these six-months. I’ve learned I let my fear and self-doubt prevent me from getting aligned with what I really want for my life. I let my past define me instead of seeing the hardships as the stepping-stones in my growth.
The other day, I found myself asking the question, what if I never left my husband. Where would I be now? If I found a way to forgive him—to love him after he betrayed me. Would we be happy? Were we ever really happy? Would we live in our old house or would we have bought a bigger one like the one he has with his new wife? Would my kids be happy having not gone through the difficulty of divorce seeing their mom suffer? Would I have lost my job or have the career I’ve always wanted because I would have my husband to support me?
Then, I stopped and dried the tears rolling down my face and realized it wasn’t a part of my journey to stay in my marriage. I wouldn’t have discovered my love of writing if I hadn’t lost my job. I had to go through all that in order to find…ME. There are days the loneliness I feel is overwhelming but then I remember I love my independence just a tiny bit more. If these difficult things didn’t happen in my life, I would have never stretch myself and found meaning. I would have never found my purpose.
The challenge I’m facing now is believing it will happen. Having faith that the universe will allow it to unfold in its divine timing when everything is perfectly aligned. The challenge is letting go of my fear of failure and being vulnerable to exposing my story to the world. Lately, I’ve been feeling very powerless and small. I don’t know if anyone can relate to that feeling but I use to have more hope for the future. I use to believe things would turn around for me, but during this whole pandemic tomfuckery I’m having a hard time moving forward. I feel like I’m stuck and I need someone or something to throw me a life line. Then I remember that no one can do that but me. I realized that I need to reprogram my mindset and stop letting distractions keep me from moving in the right direction. I love the saying, “You can’t move forward if you’re always looking in the rearview mirror.”
Sure, my love life is non-existent and I’ve been celibate for the past year and a half but that’s because I don’t want to settle for just anyone. I want the real deal. The love that I’ve always wanted. Similar to my belief of publishing my book and becoming a best-selling author, I have to have faith in universal timing.
We can’t live in fear and doubt. Not about the virus, not about politics, not about our careers, not about our relationships. We have to trust that everything happens for a greater purpose and that purpose is for us to grow when everything is in alignment. If you feel stuck, frustrated or depressed perhaps, it’s because you keep doing the same thing expecting different results. Perhaps you need to wake up and make some changes in your life instead of lamenting about the past. Perhaps you need to let go of anger and frustration in order to break open a little bit and allow yourself to be vulnerable. (I’m speaking for myself of course).
It would be a shame not to use this time as a time to find gratitude for the life we have been given. A chance to count our blessings and support others who are suffering. A chance to reflect and make change not just for yourself but also for the greater good. This is what I’ve learned through this troubling time and I only hope to find more clarity through the fog. While the path is more difficult to find and the density of the fog is sometimes disorientating—we just have to trust our footing is taking us in the right direction and the answers we need are made clear. I hope you find your way too. Together we will get there. Together we can clear the path for others to find their own way through.