I recently celebrated my 45 birthday. Damn… is that hard to say. Getting older is even more daunting when you’re single because you are way past your prime and well on your way to being an AARP member. I’m not one to get depressed on their birthday, but I do get a bit reflective. I reflect on the past several years and wonder how the hell I got here.
If you asked me on my 40th birthday where I would be in five years, the answer would have been very different. I was just finalizing my divorce and although it was scary, I had hope and excitement planned for my future. I would’ve told you that I pictured myself in love with an amazing guy who was my best friend. I would’ve told you that perhaps my career had taken off and I was financially secure doing something that I loved. I would’ve thought by 45, things in my life would be going my way and I would have put the pain of the past behind me.
Well, sadly none of those things has happened. In fact, the opposite is true. Everything has gone down the shitter. I’ve had a string of disastrous dates, crappy boyfriends, not so great sex and I’m broke as hell in a dead end job. Again…how the hell did I get here??!! I did a fucking vision board and not one of those “visions” has come true! I’ve been living in this state of purgatory waiting for one good thing to happen in my life to help me make sense of it all. I’m getting sick and tired of waiting. Where is my silver lining? Where is my happy ending? I can’t even get the “happy ending” with a good sex life for God’s sake!
Then I get off my pity pot, stop my ranting and raving and realize that nothing happens by accident and this is all a part of my journey. I take a step back and look at all the things I am blessed with in life. I have a supportive loving family, three beautiful kids that I adore and an amazing group of friends that fill my life with laughter, unbelievable support and love. I have EVERYTHING I need. Everything that is truly important in life and I am grateful for my wonderful life. I went through these hard times to learn something I needed to learn. If I hadn’t gone through the pain of my unhappy marriage, the ups and downs of divorce and the devastation of losing my job…I wouldn’t have found my love of writing. I wouldn’t have shared my story in order to heal and help others. I wouldn’t have found the depth of my strength and perseverance to make it through life’s challenges. I learned that I’m bent, not broken.
You see, all the heartache and challenges in life are here to show us who we really are…our purpose. For some, it might be the wake-up call they needed to get out of a toxic relationship that made them feel unloved or unworthy of love. For others, it may be to find your passion in life and to focus on loving yourself, so that someone can love you the way you deserve. For me, it was both. The real truth is that I was stuck in purgatory during my marriage. I didn’t know that I deserved better. I didn’t know that it was stifling my own dreams and potential to become who I was put on this Earth to be. This is my silver lining….this is my happy ending and I don’t need a man to feel complete. I am complete all on my own. I am enough…right here…right now. That’s the lesson I needed to learn at 45 years old and I’m grateful for all that it has taught me. Find your lessons and believe that the scars on our hearts are proof that we did not break.