It occurred to me recently that two people in the same relationship can have very different perspectives on just about everything. We all know that women and men think differently and don’t perceive the same occurrences through the same lens, but it goes beyond that really. Every time we argue with someone it’s because we want the other person to see things the same way we do. We are right and they are wrong. We often go outside of the relationship to a third party to get validation that indeed we are right, because that third party is only hearing our perspective. Would they feel that way if they heard the other side? Would they justify a person’s behavior if they put themselves in the other person’s shoes? Probably not.
What I’ve come to realize is that no one is completely wrong or completely to blame for the demise of any relationship. We all play a part in one way or another or we have allowed the other person’s pain to be an excuse to be cruel or deceitful. We justify or dismiss the lies that this person has used as a free pass for redemption. We have enabled the dysfunction and sacrificed our own joy in hopes that one day they will get better or they will miraculously heal and change. That is why the abused get abused. They create a story in their mind to be the savior to the wretched. To love the unlovable. After all you can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. Those are the people that build the façade of the perfect life to cover the darkness that they feel in their hearts.
I know this is all a little too deep for some, but others know someone in their life that perfectly fit that description. It may be a mother, a father, a husband…or perhaps you. Everyone writes their own narrative for their life. My own narrative is very different from the narrative my ex has written, yet we both shared the same life. I try to be self-reflective and to see things from his perspective but his narrative does not share the view from my eyes and the pain from my heart. Perhaps, he gets to move on with ease because he never experience the betrayal like I have and the aftermath of those scars.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not playing the victim; I am simply speaking my truth. I can look back and easily forgive because I know the pain he holds onto that prevents him from opening his heart fully—even to his children. Along this journey to healing, I have been hurt by many, but it has taught me a valuable lesson that I needed to learn. I can thank the people that have turned my life upside down because they have helped me dig deeper to find a strength and peace you can’t find anywhere else.
What I ask of all of you reading my truth, my narrative—is to see the other person’s perspective for just a moment in order to find understanding and forgiveness. Holding on to bitterness and anger is like poison to your soul. You can’t grow there. You’ll stay small and weak. Being single minded and self-centered is a sign of immaturity and a lack of feeling empathy. It’s like the kids on the playground pointing fingers at others for something they’ve done themselves.
Now that you’ve looked through another person’s lens it’s easier to let it go. That’s the gift to yourself that lifts you up instead of keeping you stuck in the pain and anger. When something or somebody hurts me I always ask myself, ‘Will this hurt the same tomorrow or a month from now?’ The answer is always–no. The pain will always fade. Things that matter today may not matter at all a year from now.
You have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and asking why they did this to you. They probably didn’t intend to hurt you, they just couldn’t get past their own brokenness. They did you a favor by setting you free. Now you can find out more about yourself than you did when you were so busy trying to fix them. Move on but forgive yourself when you react to the sting of the residual poison. When you see them seemingly happy with someone new…it hurts…I know, but it’s not because you want that life back, it’s because you want to feel love again. You won’t find that love if you’re still holding on to the past. Also, realize that it’s not a one-shot deal. You’ll have to forgive them over and over and over again. You’ll feel bitter and jealous and want to see them suffer, but you will have to forgive them one more time. Love them anyway. They aren’t yours to hold on to anymore, so let them go.
Write your new narrative and create the person you want to see yourself become. The strong fearless leader, the main character in a beautiful love story or the insightful healer traveling the world. Whatever you want to become…now is your time. For God’s sake don’t keep writing the same sad story as the damsel in distress or the powerless victim. You are so much more than that.
Your narrative can be whatever you want it to be and you don’t have to re-write history. Keep your past where it belongs and use the present as a teacher to help you create your beautiful new future.