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Why You’re Alone On Valentine’s Day…Again

The dreaded day is here again. The day where us lonely singles are wondering why another year has gone by and we still find ourselves without a Valentine. Since my divorce, I can’t help but think—maybe next year I’ll be madly in love. Yet another year goes by and nothing, nada, no one, not a single possibility. I start to believe—it must be me. Why am I not attracting the right guy? Why are only married men hitting on me? It’s not like I would want a married man. Not only for moral reasons but because I’m nobody’s sloppy seconds.

Call me crazy but I won’t share a man with another woman and I’m certainly not going to hurt another woman like I’ve been hurt. I have to be brutally honest though when you’re feeling lonely and it’s been a long time since you’ve been with someone you crave attention. I think that’s why women find themselves in affairs with married men. Let’s face it, attention feels good. We’re all human and you become very vulnerable to that attention, but I know well enough not to act on it. I know that I would never want to be with a cheater again and if he’s cheating with you…he’ll cheat on you too. No thanks, I’m good!

I hate Valentine’s Day (as you may already know) but this year I’m embracing it because it’s the first year that I’m okay with being alone. This year, my focus is getting my life and career in order and I don’t really need any distractions. I don’t mind being alone. I’m actually enjoying it for the first time in a long time. I feel like I want to be the best version of myself and I won’t attract the right person if I’m in a bad place. Nor will I attract the right person if I’m desperate for attention or companionship.

I want to work on myself so that I can attract a man that is seeing the best of me and not the worst. I came to the realization that I’m still single because of ME. It’s not because I haven’t found the right person or that all the men that are online dating are either crazy or assholes. No—It’s me. Not that there’s anything wrong with me, but because I’m not completely happy with my life and what I bring to the table.

Last year, I thought it was my weight—which to a large degree it was because I hated the way my body looked. Now that I lost most of the weight and I feel great about my body I thought I would definitely attract the right guy, but it turns out it’s not just the weight. It’s how I feel about my life. I know the next few months will be a hard transition, but I’m looking forward to a fresh start. Letting go of my house was a huge barrier that I had created. The shame around it effects my confidence level. I know that losing my job or my home doesn’t define me but it does make me feel like I’m not at my best. I’m blocking a relationship from coming into my life. Consciously and subconsciously, I am preventing love from entering into my life because I’m not ready.

Years ago, I knew I wasn’t ready for a relationship because I was still licking my wounds and terrified of letting down my walls. I was terrified of love and being hurt again. Now, I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready to love and ready to be loved, but I won’t attract the right person because I’m not where I want to be financially or otherwise. I know that’s a stupid reason not to fall in love but I have high standards for my next partner and I won’t attract that if I’m giving off bad energy. I won’t attract what I know in my heart I want and deserve because I’m not living my best life. I still have a little work to do but I’m getting closer every day. He’ll show up when I’m ready to open the door and not a minute sooner.

How I’m going to meet him is a mystery. It might be in Starbucks or the supermarket but it will only happen when I’m truly ready. I may have to redact my prior statement of never dating online again because I’ve been hearing more and more stories of how people found love online even after stories equally as horrific as mine.

I’m open to it…possibly. One thing I know it won’t be the plumber. My girlfriend was telling a story about how her pipes burst in the middle of the night and flooded her entire living room. She called a plumber in her town that said they service 24 hours. Well, he rudely denied her service that night but ended up calling her the next day. She was feeling desperate because no one was getting back to her quickly enough, so she asked him to come over.

 He was a very large stalky man with an unpleasant demeanor, but they starting chatting. The first red flag was that he warned her that he carries a gun and not to be alarmed when she sees it. Thank God our friend’s fiancé was there helping to clean up the mess so she wasn’t alone. The next red flag was that he saw a picture of her on the wall at the Women’s March with an American flag waving and decided that she was Trump supporter (even though the Women’s March was clearly an anti-Trump campaign). She, like me is definitely NOT a Trumpster. He started talking about immigration and all those cringe-worthy things Trump supporters believe, but my girl never shies away from a good political debate. She was treading lightly since the guy had a gun. She started to notice that the guy was a little unhinged when he told her how much he hates the Mayor and how she band him from the town council meetings. Now, she was getting concerned that this guy was definitely unstable. Oh wait, it gets worse…he’s done fixing the pipes and she’s trying to get this guy out of her house as quickly as possible.

As she getting on her coat trying to give him a glaring hint to leave, he looks at her and says, “You’re pretty…no really…you’re really pretty.” She thanked him and reminded him that she’s going to dinner with her mom and then he proceeded to say, “You’re really attractive but you might want to watch what you eat.” We’re at the table as she’s telling us this crazy story and all of us look at her in shock. One of our friends picked up her fork as if to say she would have stabbed him with it. We were speechless. Can you believe that? Who does that?

Well the story gets even more insane when she proceeds to tell us that after he finally leaves, he texted her to check on “her pipes” and then asks her out on a date. Now, with any other guy she probably would have told him to go to hell, but this guy knows where she lives, has a gun and is clearly a crazy person. She decided it would be best to let him down gently with the old, “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” line. He continued to text and call her, so obviously he didn’t get the hint so she had to stop responding. If it wasn’t so scary it would have been a little amusing that this guy had the nerve to say these things but we told her to be careful and report him. She was worried that might trigger him so she decided not to make a formal complaint. We all have experienced unsolicited attention from a weirdo before so it shouldn’t have come as much of a shock but that was scary!

So, the moral of the story is, beware of the plumber ladies and don’t be alone when you call one. As for Valentine’s Day, the best advice I can give you is if you want a relationship start focusing on you. Go deeper into the ‘why’. Why haven’t you attracted the right person that gives you the time and attention you need and deserve? What is blocking that from coming into your life? Is it a belief about yourself? Is it a belief you have of men? Or is it that you’re terrified of being vulnerable. The willingness to be vulnerable is the only way to finding love. If you give mixed signals as to what you really want you’ll keep attracting the wrong guys.

Not to say it’s all your fault that there are crazy plumbers or the narsistic guys online asking you on a date—that’s not what I’m saying at all. The crazies will be there whether you’re happily single or not. Believe me; I’ve had my fair share. The point is that what you truly want and believe deep down will show up in your life. You just have to be honest about what those beliefs really are. If you truly want love and to leave the lonely Valentine’s Day blues behind you, you have to make changes in your life that will attract what you desire.

Love is not unobtainable when you love yourself. It’s an energy that you put out there based on what you believe. If you want to find love then all you have to do is begin the work to change or accept who you are and believe that you deserve it. Do yourself a favor this Valentine’s Day; fall in love with YOU.

With Faith, Hope, and Love,

~Teresa

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