It has been so long since I wrote anything that I’m not even sure if I still know how. This last year has really thrown me for a loop. Just when you think things can only go up, I was faced with the hardest challenge yet that knocked me so far down I didn’t think I would get back up. Without getting into too much detail, my son went through a very scary mental health crisis. I felt helpless and alone. I feared the worst and had to dig deep to find the strength to support him through his darkest time. I’m happy to say he is in a much better place but for those of you that have a loved one with depression and anxiety or battled it yourself, you know that it is a lifelong journey.
This by far was the most traumatic experience I’ve ever faced and left me feeling very lost. I cried and prayed and then cried again. I felt like no one understood so I just pretended. Pretended that I was okay. Pretended to be strong for him when inside I felt I was crumbling. Surrounded by loving and supportive friends and family but I felt like I was slipping away—untethered in pure darkness.
I’m sure that was only a fraction of what my poor son felt. The powerlessness I felt as a mom not being able to heal him was heartbreaking. It felt cruel. I have been through a lot in the last decade. Betrayal, divorce, losing my job, my home, and my sense of worth. This by far was the hardest of them all and I didn’t think I’d have the strength to get through when I didn’t have anyone by my side holding me up. I was scared to leave the house. Scared to sleep too soundly. Scared of the thoughts that swirled in my head.
People would ask me why I don’t write anymore and the truth is I didn’t want to write about this. There’s so much shame surrounding mental health issues that no one wants to talk about. So much that’s so misunderstood. I sat down to write today thinking that I’d write something funny about the end of my three-year dry spell but instead these are the words that landed on the page. I don’t know, maybe someone out there needed to hear this. Maybe there are people out there that know exactly how I feel. Maybe this is my form of therapy that always helps me heal my wounds.
Now that I’m out of the fog I guess it was time to share my story again. Although things in my life are looking up with a new job I will love on the horizon and pretty damn good sex life (finally)—I still struggle with finding joy. Most of the time I feel like I’m faking it. I worry about things that I shouldn’t worry about and find myself wanting solitude but then feeling bored and alone. So I go out and drown my thoughts with cocktails searching for the joy I once felt only to spiral back to regret the next day. I’ve had many moments of fun, laughter, and joy with the most amazing friends but something’s missing.
I guess I wish I found love and not just great sex. I mean, don’t get it twisted I will enjoy it (very much) for now, but I guess I wonder if I’m even lovable anymore. Why is it so hard to find someone who will love all the parts of me—thorns and all? Granted I put up a wall the size of an elephant but isn’t love stronger than that? Doesn’t love conquer all? At least that is what all the fairytales tell us.
Perhaps that’s our first mistake—believing in fairytales. That foolishness aside, I know what love feels like. I’m happy to have a companion who treats me well but I don’t think it will ever evolve into a real relationship. It’s pretty apparent when all we do is go to his bedroom and not to dinner and a movie. Either we both have our pet elephants standing right between us and we keep a safe distance or he’s just not my “person”. I think you know when it’s romantic love when you can’t get enough of a person and you think about them all damn day. When it’s your person—you just know and let the rest work itself out. Right?
I truly believe this person, as wonderful as he is, came into my life to release all the tension I feel and helps me get in touch with my body again. Sexual connection can be a very healing experience if done with someone who respects you and wants to connect with you on a consistent basis. I’ve been calling it my “sexuationship”. You know when people put on their relationship status that “It’s Complicated”. Well, this is what they mean. It’s when two people who are emotionally unavailable get together to have great sex once a week (sometimes more) and they enjoy each other’s company but they don’t talk about emotions for one another—at all. There’s a mutual fondness and affection for one another but God forbid you get too close! That’s dangerous territory neither one of us is willing to explore (I think). Who knows maybe it will someday but for now we walk together alongside our pet elephants waiting for the other person to make a move. All I know is I’m grateful. Grateful that I found someone to connect to and make me feel the power of touch that grounds my body and releases the tension and pain. It’s truly a gift no matter what happens.
I have to say, it felt so good to write again. I hope my string of consciousness makes sense and doesn’t suck but either way I’m happy to be back. I hope you enjoy my rusty attempt at written expression.