Unlucky in Love or Trust Issues

The dreaded day is quickly approaching…yes, that’s right…Valentine’s Day. I can’t believe I started this blog on February 13, 2016. Four years later and I’m still single with no real romance to speak of after eight years of divorce. No one that has yet to sweep me off my feet. Just reminders of why I have trust issues dating men that tell you what you want to hear but then ultimately falling short. Very short in fact.  I’ve had four years of ups and downs and more downs. I wonder if I’m just unlucky in love or do I have trust issues deeper than the Grand Canyon?

I went back and read that first article I wrote and I’m still the same cynical bitch I was back then. Perhaps there’s a correlation? By now, I would have thought I would have found the love of my life but I keep ending up with the same old bunch of emotionally unavailable boys just looking for sex claiming they want to find true love. Lies—all lies.

Well this year, I have cleared out all the “side dicks” I like to call them. Men have “side chicks” so why can’t women have “side dicks?” The difference is that I didn’t really even get the benefit of sex with these guys. I just kept them around for attention on the lonely nights. An ego boost if you will. Well, now I pushed them all out of my life deleting them from my DM’s or IM’s or any other form of non-verbal communication. So now, I feel alone—I mean alone, alone. That coupled with the fact that I’m officially an empty nester. Both my boys have moved out and gone back to school and it’s just me and my dog.

I’m trying not to fall into a major depression especially since I’m battling a heavy bought of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). My Light Therapy Lamp I ordered on Amazon can’t come fast enough.

I keep thinking, perhaps now that my kids are all grown and gone maybe that will leave space for someone to come into my life but so far, Hinge is proving that theory wrong. Very wrong. Truth be told I’m really not even trying to find someone on a dating app. I’m so over it. That and the failed attempt of me and my single girlfriends trying to be more approachable without appearing “thirsty” at business happy hours has really burst my bubble.

Let’s face it—dating sucks. Being single doesn’t suck but dating does. I’m fine with being single. I’m not even that depressed about living alone for the first time in my life (well perhaps a mild depression has occurred). The disappointment of dating is what sucks the most. You start talking to someone and you find you have things in common and you get your hopes up only to be slapped in the face with the rude awakening that it was all a big fat waste of time and energy. Trying to cultivate a relationship is seemingly impossible. I’m not sure if it’s my age and all the baggage that comes along with it but I might have more of a chance at winning Publisher Clearing House at this point. I’m just waiting for Steve Harvey to knock on my door with the Prize Patrol.

I believe with all my heart that I will find the love I desire but could it please hurry up already?! Preferably before another Valentine’s Day rolls around and I cry myself to sleep with a bottle of Cabernet?! Sometimes I blame myself and I recognize that I’m guarded and my trust issues get in the way of attracting a great guy. Then I see an example of a woman that has even more of a wall up who presents as a total bitch but yet she finds Mr. Wonderful. It makes no sense to me and I’m growing impatient with the whole thing. I know I’m not alone. Everyone complains about dating. I can’t help but wonder if we’re doing it all wrong. I think dating apps have ruined dating forever. We’re doom to swiping and scrolling without any connection because there is no possible way to find love on your phone!

I’m two seconds away from creating an event for all the single (non-psychotic) people over 40 where we can actually sit in a room and have actual conversations with each other. A singles mixer if you will. That way you can weed out the weirdoes or the men who lie about their height right off the bat.

No matter what I have decided this will be the last Valentine’s Day alone. I don’t care if I have to rent a boyfriend next year. Dammit, I will have a romantic dinner with someone! I know I have to open up just a tad more and I know that love will find me when I least expect it. I just don’t want another year to go by without finding him. Let’s face it I’m not getting any younger.

For all you singles out there on Valentine’s Day—don’t despair. After all, this is a fake holiday. Embrace being single and don’t let the dating world discourage you. Do something to show you love yourself. Personally, I’m going to invest in a Transcendental Meditation course. I think that it might help me rewire my negative thought patterns, which might be the key to unlocking my ice-cold heart. I’m focused on self-improvement because I know it’s the only way to attract the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and focus on that. Sure, I might be wallowing in self-pity watching the Notebook for the 500th time this Friday, but I’ll get over it and the next day will be just another day living my best life. I hope yours is too.

With Hope, Faith, and Love,