Understanding the Male Species

The more I date the more confused I become as to what goes on in the mind of the male species. Now, I’m going to be careful not to make broad generalizations when it comes to men but there is some truth to every simplistic thought about the opposite gender. Women included of course.

Full disclosure, I think I am the worst dater on the planet. When I’m on a date, I analyze the human sitting across from me as if I’m an investigative journalist. I’m taking mental notes as to what material I can use for my blog and psychologically deconstruct this person’s entire approach to relationships in 30 minutes flat. I’ve already learned all I need to learn by the time we finish our first round of drinks.

If I were a man, I wouldn’t want to date me.  I’m brutally honest and ask very probing questions that make most people squirm. The sad part is that I don’t even realize I’m doing it—it’s just in my nature. I want to cut through all the bullshit because I can smell it a mile away. The funny thing is that men actually tell you what they think you want to hear but are not very good at hiding the truth. If you’re not an investigative journalist these subtle comments might breeze right past you.

For example, I’m on a date with the choir boy and he says he’s really worked through the pain of his divorce and he’s finally “found balance”. Me being me, I challenge that theory. I softened it with an understanding empathetic tone then I proceed to tell him that I thought I found balance too until I started dating. I explained to him that it’s easy to find balance when you’re alone. The real challenge comes when you try to find your balance in a relationship. When you’re in a relationship you might as well be on one of those old creaky rollercoasters at a third rate amusement park. You hop on the ride not knowing if it’s safe and you hope you don’t plummet to your death as you listen to the click, click, clicking of the rusty track on your ascent up the to the peak.

All the twist and turns trying to navigate just the right amount of communication in a new relationship as the ride jerks you around another never-ending bend of disappointment and questioning. Asking yourself, “Does this guy like me?” “Do I even like him?” Ironically, even if you don’t like him very much you want him to like you. God forbid he doesn’t think I’m an amazing catch! The ups and downs of relationships are nauseating and you realize that you hate rollercoasters and you just want to get off the damn ride. Until you come across the next shiny ride that draws you back in again. Buckle your seat belts we’re in for another bumpy ride!

I went on another first date last Monday—it was very interesting, to say the least. The first red flag went up when we had our first phone conversation. He was very funny and had a very straightforward approach that was refreshing I suppose. We discussed some of the things that were deal-breakers. His being if a person smoked cigarettes, mine being if you were a Trump supporter.

We passed the test in these areas but when we started to touch on our divorces the red flags started to wave. He told me that he wished he had a time machine so that he could go back and fix his marriage. He regretted his divorce and missed his ex-wife because she is a great person. Now that’s all fine and dandy but it’s not really what you want to hear from someone you’re looking to date.

I reluctantly went out on a date with him remembering my own words of being “cautiously optimistic”. We had a great conversation and laughed a lot. He was a self-proclaimed comedian and I felt like I was watching his bit at a comedy club. I like a good sense of humor so I went with it as we bantered back and forth. It was a better conversation than the choirboy who was just way too corny for me.

We were having a great time up until the point when he used the “N” word as a poor choice of words in a “joke”. Those of you that know me personally know that I have zero tolerance for racism and bigotry, which is why I tend to stay away from dating certain white men. This is now the second white guy I dated that used the “N” word and it may be the last. Granted I have plenty of white male friends that would never use that disgusting word but somehow I find these bigots with my industrial-strength asshole magnet that must need to be surgically removed.  This is the point in the date when I started to retract knowing this dude is not the right fit for me. I politely tell him how offensive that is and he proceeds to backpedal calling me a “snowflake” and insists he was only making a joke. I let it go and changed the subject because there’s no point in arguing with stupidity.

Thinking it couldn’t really get any worse…it does. He walks me to my car and goes to kiss me goodnight. I’ve had some pretty bad kisses in my day but this was by far the WORST! He goes in full tongue and proceeds to lap my face like a dog! I was just standing there not knowing what to do with my face because he was literally licking me like a dog with his tongue in my mouth. GROSS! All I kept thinking was why the hell didn’t anyone tell this guy how to kiss? No wonder his wife left him! How could you kiss like that for 20 years of your life?! Ewe.

The next day, it’s radio silence. Normally, I might send a text the next morning but I really had zero interest. Later that evening he texts me, “So I’m assuming you’re not into me?” Sure, I’m bashing him in my blog but I’m don’t want to hurt his feelings. I tell him that I think neither one of us were feeling it but that I had fun on the date and he made me laugh. (Sure, I was laughing at his expense but he doesn’t need to know that). He proceeds to tell me that I’m “hard to read” and that if I’m the relationship coach I should be better at communicating. He said that I seemed to be having fun on the date but then I went “cold”. Now I have my back up and want to rip into this guy but instead, I took the high road and just said that were aren’t a good match and that we’re on two different wavelengths. He said that he doesn’t get me—I’m very sexy but that I’m “very very reserved”. I just responded “sorry” and left it at that. He can go lick someone else’s face…not interested Fido.

Per usual, I’m always looking for the lesson in these psychologically damaging encounters. The lesson here is that men and women view dating exactly the same. I listen to all their stories of dating disasters and how women send mix signals and expect the man to do all the work while picking up the tab. I get it…I do see their point. I’m even more open to splitting the bill than I use to because I agree that it gets expensive going out to dinner and paying the bill all the time. Personally, I want a man that has enough money not to complain about it but who am I to judge? The bottom line is dating sucks. I mean it really sucks until that day that you meet the right person and then you no longer have to date. As my sister said so eloquently, this is just one more sloppy kissing frog getting me closer to my prince. Lol!

Since I’m not a big fan of amusement parks…I think I’m just going to hop off the ride for a little while. It’s almost sadomasochism continuing to partake in this personal hell called dating. It’s like going through the haunted house expecting not to be scared shitless.

It doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on finding love but why should I continue to subject myself to this torture? In the end, we’re all looking for love but men and women struggle equally with finding the person they want to be in love with and share their life.

I’m not going to male bash when I know damn well women play the same games. We’re all a hot mess playing whack-a-mole trying to get rid of the crazies that pop up in our dating profiles. The problem with dating is that we’re wandering around the amusement park expecting to find prince charming when the only characters there are Goofy, Donald and Dopey. Prince charming is up in the castle with his hot princess getting in on.

He’s not getting on the rides with you so just leave the fantasy land and get back to reality. Focus on you—not who someone wants you to be in his or her fairytale. I’m not changing for anyone. Take me as I am or leave me alone in my tower to wait for my own prince charming. It might be more like the hunchback of Notre Dame but at least he will love me for who I am. 😉

With Faith, Hope, and Love