Another year down and I’m spending yet another New Year’s Eve alone. Every year I find myself hoping that by this time next year I will have certainly found the love of my life. All my dreams will come to fruition, I will have the career that I’ve always wanted making great money and my financial troubles will be behind me.
Nope instead, I woke up to that annoying guy still trying to date me after I’ve tried to make it clear that I’m not interested, my shower broke before I could wash my greasy hair and my only plans tonight are to drown myself in a bottle of red wine watching movies of other people falling in love.
I know I sound like I’m just feeling sorry for myself but seriously…FML! I know, I know, I’m putting out negative energy and that’s why I’m attracting all this bullshit but seriously I just need a few minutes to wallow in self-pity. Can I have just a few minutes to be pissed off?!
Okay, that’s done. I’m actively shifting my mindset to gratitude. Things could be far worse. I have my health despite the pounding headache I have from screaming at the top of my lungs when the water faucet sprayed in my face. I have an amazing family and my dad came over to shut off my water until my niece’s soon to be husband can fix my shower. My kids are healthy and I have a roof over my head. What more could I ask for? I mean, other than a big bag of money and a new boyfriend that’s all I really need.
Seriously, I know how cliche it sounds and every new year we wish for a better year, but I REALLY need 2020 to be a better year. I mean it has been better than last year for sure. This time last year I was being forced out of my home and practically making minimum wage. I am truly grateful for all the blessings I’ve received. I have a new home, a better paying job and I lost 50 pounds so things are definitely improving. I just need to start living my true purpose. This year I have been really working on my mindset and understanding why bad luck always seems to find me. Meditating on my negative thought patterns and shifting my beliefs is a full-time job for me. I’m inherently snarky so the negative shit just flies right out of my mouth naturally. I call it “funny” while others call it “pessimistic”. Whatever! (insert eye-roll).
I just want to catch a break already! I’m a good person and I deserve love. I’m also pretty smart and deserve a decent job. Why is it so damn hard for me to find? My dad just left and said, “Teresa (in his Irish accent), why don’t you just find a nice fella to fix things?” Gee dad, why the hell didn’t I think of that?! Duh. I just laughed and told him I’ve been trying for eight long years! It’s not that easy dad…all I meet are jerks!
Now, I know what you’re all thinking. ‘Well, maybe if you weren’t so negative you would have found someone by now’. Blah, blah, blah–I know! I heard myself saying it and I quickly slapped my hand over my mouth. Don’t think I don’t know how the law of attraction works. I get it! I have been in deep meditation trying to reverse my thoughts all year and it isn’t f*ing working! (I realize the irony of my potty mouth too.) I’m actually pretty tired of trying to figure out why I’m still single and why I can’t move forward in my career. I’m trying to change my attitude but the universe keeps kicking my ass. This year, no matter what it takes, I’m going to turn my life around. I’m going to find love and I’m going to change my career. I’m getting off the pity pot and doing something about it. I am D.O.N.E. with this whoa is me bullshit. Enough already! I deserve more than this and if I have to have a lobotomy in order to fix my thoughts then that’s exactly what I’m going to do. None of this “New Year–New You” bullshit, I’m talking real change. I’m not going through another year dreading Valentine’s Day and spending another New Year’s Eve alone.
Spending New Year’s Eve alone is the most depressing thing in the world. My friends invited me to parties tonight, but I would rather swallow glass than be the only single one at midnight with no one to kiss. I hate this feeling and I refuse to be in this same situation next year. So, if I have to go on every godforsaken dating site or humiliate myself with a speed dating debauchery again, then dammit I’ll do it! Anything not to feel this way again next year.
The alternative is that I finally accept that being happy alone is my only option. I truly am happy alone on most days. It’s only two days a year when the loneliness creeps in and possess me like a demon child. I can handle two days of feeling lonely versus a lifetime of aggravation living with the wrong person–believe me, the latter is far worse. What I won’t settle for is not living my purpose doing the work I know I’m on this planet to do. That I will not accept. Big changes are coming for me in 2020, so watch out people! It’s time…it’s finally time. Happy New Year to all of you that take the time to read my rants. I wish all the best for you in the new year and to realize your full potential to find what your heart desires. Everyone deserves to live life doing something that fills their soul with the person that fills your heart. Go find it–it’s waiting for you.