A friend of mine tried to set me up on a date last weekend. We all met out at a restaurant for her birthday and he just happen to be there—no pressure at all, right? I have to say, I would much rather go on a blind date alone than have an entire audience of friends watching us like some reality dating show. The anticipation of meeting this person was exciting to me though because I had built it up in my head that this was how I was going to meet the man of my dreams. After countless encounters with men online–having half-hearted conversations that go absolutely nowhere or meeting someone for coffee only to find out you are completely incompatible—I thought that my best bet was to have friends that know me and know what I’m looking for, set me up with their single friends. Well, although I appreciate their effort, it wasn’t a love connection. He was a really nice guy, with a good heart, a great career and core values that I admire, yet I didn’t feel any physical attraction to him. I was pretty bummed and I could feel everyone was staring at us, waiting to ask me what I thought. Wahh wahh.
I’ve never been the type of woman that bases everything on the way a person looks. I’ve always dated men that had more than just a pretty face. In fact, I have always avoided the guys that are too good looking because of a belief (perhaps false) that men that are too good looking, tend to have a wandering eye and penis. Well, that theory has been shot to shit seeing as I’ve been cheated on by men that weren’t the best-looking guys.
Now, in my forties, I worry less about looks and more about their character. Yet, I still need to be physically attracted to them. I was beating myself up about how shallow I was about a person that could potentially make me very happy. My girlfriend was adamant that I was not being shallow or superficial at all because it’s important to be physically attracted to someone…that’s kind of the whole point…isn’t it? Despite this fact, I still can’t help feeling that I might be passing up a really great guy that will treat me better than any man I’ve known just because he isn’t that cute. I feel this way every time I swipe left on a guy that seems really sweet, but doesn’t seem like my type. Is this bad? Is this why I’m still alone after all these years? Do I think I’m more attractive than I really am and I’m attracted to men that aren’t on the same ‘attractive level’ for lack of a better term?
You know what I mean…don’t you? I hate to admit this, but I watch the new Love Connection with Andy Cohen and each contestant on the show has to rate their date on a scale from 1 to 10. This would be my worst nightmare, because I would be crushed if someone rated me lower than a 5 and I wouldn’t have the heart to rate someone lower than an eight. Anything below a six is just plain mean! However, if I had to rate the guy I just met…he would probably be a six. Yet, his personality would maybe bring him up to a seven. Maybe I’m a six? Actually, to some men…I might be a four! Let’s face it, at my age I’m lucky to even hit the median score. This is what sucks about dating in your forties. You’re past your prime. You might have been a solid eight back in the day, but now you’re teetering on just average and you better have a really good personality or you’re screwed!
I’m really on the fence about whether or not I should go out with this guy. He text me about an hour ago asking me to dinner next week and I feel like I have to be completely honest with him. On one hand, he was interesting to talk to and we shared similar values, but on the other hand, I felt like there was zero spark and I immediately put him in the friend zone. I know myself and I know what I want, but how do I tell someone that I’m not interested when I didn’t even give it a chance? This is the ongoing internal battle I go through every time someone shows interest. I fear that I’m passing up someone really incredible because I’m being a shallow bitch that wants it all. I want the spark. I want all the feels. In the past, I’ve dumped really nice guys that were attractive, but they were dumb as a stump. I just can’t date a guy that can’t hold an intellectual conversation. Should I feel bad that I’m a saposexual? That I find intelligence extremely attractive. Should I feel bad if a guy is intelligent, but is a total dork that I can’t possible see myself in bed with? No, the answer is no people.
Dating is all about the law of attraction. Either you are attracted to someone or you’re not. You can’t second guess yourself and try to make something work that doesn’t feel right. You have to be very clear about what you’re looking for and how you want that person to treat you in order to attract your soulmate. If you are dating someone that you just feel is meh, then you should end it now. Conversely, if you’re dating someone that you’re extremely attracted to but they don’t treat you the way you want, then you should also end it now. Why waste your time with someone that you know isn’t the right fit? You are putting all your energy into a person who is not ultimately what you want and you aren’t creating space for the perfect one for you.
To be perfectly honest, you can’t have a place holder and expect the universe to send you the love of your life. It doesn’t work that way honey. You will be giving the universe mixed signals. Do you know in your heart the guy you spend time with can be an asshole or treats you like shit, but you want to hold on to him until a nice guy comes into your life? Do you honestly think that’s how it works? Sorry…it isn’t.
You have to be crystal clear about what you want in a partner and you can’t settle for anything less. Yes, be open to dating people that may not fit into your normal criteria, but don’t waste your time if you know it’s not right. You will be blocking the right person from entering your life. That’s how the law of attraction works.
Another important piece of this theory is if you’re negative about dating, then you will continue to attract the wrong people. If you stay positive and believe your person is out there waiting for you, then that’s exactly what will happen. It’s important to reverse your negative thoughts. Believe me, after all of my bad experiences, it’s a full time job trying to catch myself saying things like; “Men are all lying bastards” or “Men think with their penis” or “All the good men are taken”. These are the types of belief systems, which prevent you from attracting the right man. I always tell myself…I just need one. The one for me. I believe he is out there and we are destine to find each other. These positive affirmations are crucial. Without a positive mindset, you will find yourself attracting nothing but assholes. Know what you really want and believe it is yours. Write all the traits you want in a partner and picture yourself in a happy healthy relationship. It’s also extremely important to love yourself first and know your worth, so that you attract that kind of love into your life.
That is the key to the laws of attraction. Anything less is settling. Do you want to settle for less or do you want this time to be everything you dreamed of? This is why I’ve realized that I have to fix my own circumstances and feel good about my life before I enter into a relationship. How can I possibly attract the right person if I feel like my life is a mess? Yes, I’ve done a lot of work on myself this past year and I feel great about my health and my mindset, yet I still have a lot of work to do financially and career wise. I’m not where I want to be and I want to attract those things into my life before I attract a man. I want to feel like I’ve accomplished my goals of being financially secure and standing on my own two feet again, so that I don’t have to rely on anyone to rescue me. I’ve done it before and I will do it again. I just need to put all my energy into myself and not into a man. He will come once everything else falls into place. No, everything doesn’t have to be perfect, wrapped up in a pretty little bow–nothing ever is…but I have to feel good about my life in order to share it with the right person. That is also part of the law of attraction. Like attracts like. If you don’t like a certain aspect of yourself or your life then you have to work on it in order to attract what you want. The same is true for relationships. That is what I learned through this journey. You’re not going to attract a great guy when you’re a hot mess drowning your sorrows in a vat of ice cream every weekend crying into your pillow. There’s no knight in shining armor that is going to come buy me a new car and a new house. Believe me…I wish there was! The truth is, I want to do it for myself. I didn’t go through all of the pain and heartache with my first marriage, to turn around and do it again. I want to be the strong independent woman I knew I was all along. I don’t need a man to take care of me. I can take care of myself and find someone to share the life I desire. That’s what I want and that’s exactly what I will have. In fact, I already have it. I just have to visualize exactly what I want and it will happen. That’s the beauty of this law of attraction business (without getting all woo woo and shit). Everything you desire can be yours; you just have to know it. I mean really know it and feel it –then do the work to get it. Call it positive energy, call it manifesting…call it whatever you like. I just know it to be true.
With Faith Hope and Love,