As I look back at my journey through this thing called life, I can finally take a step back from my experiences and be grateful for the lessons instead of clinging onto the pain and disappointment. I’m finally at a place where I can look at my divorce, losing my job, my financial troubles, my weight gain and the endless string of bad experiences with the dating world as the equivalent of a doctorate in the study of myself. This past January, I made a conscious decision to move forward and “fix my life”. What I discovered was that I didn’t really fix anything other than my mindset. Yes, I did start eating healthy, exercising and began meditating every morning, but more than that—I learned to accept what was and is happening in my life and seeing it as an observer rather than letting it consume my peace. I can’t change my circumstances—they will have to unfold on their own, but I can change how I react to them. These things no longer define who I am as a person; they are only there so that I can grow.
I wish someone had told me years ago that all I had to do was accept the pain and let it pass through me instead of letting the little shit live inside me gnawing away at me every single frickin’ day. I wish someone told me that fear of change is nothing more than not trusting that everything will work out just fine and all you have to do is have faith. I also wish someone had told me that I’m a bad ass bitch with the strength and courage to overcome anything and not to put up with anyone’s shit. If only I knew then what I know now, I would have saved myself a lot of tears and sleepless nights. The transformation has taken place. Nothing about my divorce or my ex bothers me anymore. I’ve come to accept that letting go of the house will make room for a new beginning without the bad energy that resides there. I’ve lost 30 pounds and I feel like I have my confidence back. I’m hopeful that a new career that I love will unfold just as it should. I’m even hopeful that the person who I’m meant to spend my life with is just around the corner. I know I will find the love that I’ve always dreamed of because I’m ready to receive it. The walls are down and endless list of criteria is replaced by the willingness to see the person’s soul that matches mine. My perspective is one of knowing instead of desperate hope. I found my peace.
I no longer allow myself or anyone else to define me by my failures or shortcomings. Failure, disappointment, change and heartbreak has allowed me to find out just what I’m made of and forced me to grow in ways I never knew I could. That is what struggle is there for after all. Without struggle, we stay in the mindless, shallow, superficial existence that we’ve always been. Life is never a perfect little picture—we will all face struggles. Some more than others. It’s how we react to those struggles that defines us. Lean into the pain–let it show you the lesson you need to learn about yourself and grow from it. That’s it! That’s the entire reason for our human existence. The closer we can get to the essence of who we are instead of listening to the never-ending chatter of fear and self-doubt, the closer we are to finding our joy and our deeper purpose. I only wish that my experience would somehow resonate with you and these words would give you the perspective you need to help you on your journey. Each of us are on our own journey however long it may be, however dark the road may seem…the end is near. The end of all the pain and fear resides in you, you just have to dig deep to find it. I hope you find it soon.