Throughout this experience of dating all these different people, I have realized something that has been holding me back for all these years. You see, what I realized is that I gave my heart to the man I married and I never took it back. He hasn’t been holding it and caring for it, instead it has been locked up in an empty room being guarded and kept away from anyone else. Well, I’ve decided I want it back. I want to not only let go of the past, let go of the hurtful memories of him, but allow myself to risk giving my heart to someone else.
It’s not an easy thing to do for me. I don’t like being vulnerable and I can’t bare the thought of being hurt again…but the only alternative is being alone and keeping my heart locked in that empty room.
I finally met the guy I spent 5 hours on the phone with a few weeks ago. He was so adorably cute, tall, witty, intriguing and a great conversationalist. Definitely meeting some of the criteria on my long list of “what I want in a man”. Per usual, I spent most of the evening picking apart all the things I didn’t like about him. Realizing that I’m keeping that heart of mine locked away in that lonely little room again. I don’t know if this guy (I’ll call him “The British Actor” for now) or “Mr. Prep School” who I have second date with this weekend are the kind of men that I would want to give my heart to, but I’ve decided I’m going to at least be open to trying. I’ll be open to, at the very least, opening the door a crack to see if they have the potential of being let in.
It could be a total disaster, but at least I can say I tried. At least I can have the door open for someone special to be able to come in and find it. This is why I haven’t found the right guy and I keep attracting assholes! If I’m not open to finding love, it will never be able to find me. It’s time to take off the armor and put down the assault rifle. It’s time to throw away the damn key to that empty room and stop allowing the man that broke my heart to have the power to hold me back.
I just watched a movie about a beautiful little story called “Brooklyn”. It was close to my heart because it reminded me of my mother and the courage it took for her to leave her home in Ireland at the age of seventeen. The story was about a young girl from Ireland named Ailish (also my sister’s name) who came to America to find a better life. She left behind her mother and sister and was terribly homesick…until she found love.
It made me realize that finding love should be easy. When you’re young and not tainted by having your heart broken, love it so easy to find. Inevitably you get hurt somewhere along the way and that causes you to put up walls or if you’re like me, you keep your heart locked up in a fortress with a sign on the door that says, “F OFF! NO MEN ALLOWED!”
I realized that I’m only hurting myself by allowing my past heartbreak keep me alone and afraid for the rest of my life. I have to take back my heart and allow myself to give love another try. The problem is that I may have to test the waters a little before the real thing comes along. The British Actor may teach me that. He definitely knows how to get into my head already and that terrifies me. If anyone can teach me to take my guard down, it may be him. Or some other poor soul I may have my next date with! 😉
The moral of the story is to recognize that-yes you need time to heal and let go of your past love, but at some point you have to make the conscious decision to unlock that door and open your heart again. It’s the only way to find the next love of your life, as scary as that may seem. When you’re truly ready, you’ll know. Just open the door.