Ahhh Spring—the birds are chirping the sun is shining and love is in the air…unless you live in New England that is. Mother Nature seems to be on her period and wanting everyone to suffer with this cold miserable weather. My Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is in full effect when my “Spring Break” is living in 30-degree weather. Moving to Cali is looking more and more plausible.
Despite the fact that Mother Nature is acting more like Mommy Dearest, I feel the anticipation of spring weather and all that it brings. It is a magical time of year. It’s a time for renewal and a time of hope. That’s what I’m feeling lately despite the current climate and despite my current situation. Hope. Something has shifted in me and I feel better than I have in years. I decided on New Year’s Eve when I was home with my teenage son drinking sparkling apple cider watching the ball drop for 2018, followed by me balling my eyes out watching love stories in movies that aren’t my story—at that moment I decided that this year something had to change. No, scratch that–EVERYTHING had to change.
Everything has changed and it all started with my perception. I knew I had to shift from a “lack mentality” to a mindset of change. I knew that if I kept doing the same things that kept me stuck, I would never get out of this mental fuckery I had gotten myself into. I started with taking better care of my body and the weight is falling off. I started meditating every day and the low-level depression started to lift. I let go of the past and all the pain I held onto like a security blanket of excuses for why I was suffering. I let go of the fear of what the future holds because there is absolutely no way for me to figure it out. I just have to trust that it will all work out and the universe has my back.
Most importantly, I let go of my past lovers including my ex. They no longer define love for me. They no longer define the disappointment of loss for me. They weren’t meant for me. They weren’t good enough for me. I finally know my worth. I thought I always knew, but now I know better. I know that I deserve everything I’ve always wanted in a lover and in a relationship and I’ll be damned if anything gets in the way. I realized that the only thing getting in the way was me…
I wasn’t valuing myself, as I should. I was settling for fuckboys that didn’t deserve my attention or I was hiding away from all men because I didn’t want to be disappointed again. I wasn’t loving my own body or my own life, so how could anyone else? I was lost. I forgot who I was and what it meant to feel good. I forgot that I have an amazing life and that this is just a minor setback. I forgot that when I love someone I love hard and anyone would be lucky to have me. I forgot what it was like to be cherished because I wasn’t cherishing myself.
It all starts with a mindset followed by conscious action and then everything starts to shift. It is learning to love your life right where you are now, but having hope for the things to come. Being present where you are right now and accepting what is, as your journey unfolds. It’s not hiding behind the fog of your pain by drinking it away or sexing it away. It’s getting real with yourself and making change in order to attract what you so desperately want…love and happiness. It’s so close now, I can almost taste it. Change is here and I’m making it happen. For those who don’t like it…well too bad. I’m over it. I’m done wallowing in self-pity. I’m done with living in the past. As the song says, “It’s a new dawn…It’s a new day….it’s a new life for me and I’m feeling good.” Now you get out there and do the same. All it takes is a decision and it’s yours.