It’s here again! That spring fever itch. That time of year when our biochemistry or biological makeup kicks in and forces us out of hibernation and we yearn for love again. Maybe it’s the birds and the bees literally and figuratively causing us to want companionship but I’m definitely feeling the fever.
Yesterday marked the seventh year since my divorce was official and I can’t help but ask myself why I haven’t found love again? I’m so over the divorce even though I feel compelled to still write about it. I was drawn to writing like a moth to a flame. Sometimes apprehensive to share my pain and expose the raw vulnerability that flows out of me onto each keystroke. I often cringe when hitting the publish button worried about how I will be judged or whether someone may be offended.
Nonetheless, I fly right into the flame knowing I will most likely get burned. It is a form of creativity that heals me. If you don’t like what I have to say then I wonder why you keep reading? It’s my way to express my deep emotions so that I don’t go off and throat punch someone I suppose.
It’s a way to gain clarity on the complexity of heartbreak and to share my journey that so many women (and men) have encouraged me to continue. We are on the path together. Living parallel lives where the characters in the story may be different, but the hurt and healing process are one in the same. Some take longer than others do because we may be hit with sucker punches along the way. However, we roll with the punches and get up a little stronger every time.
Putting the past behind me has taken me a little longer than I expected…okay a lot longer. It’s not that I’m hung up on my ex—not in the least. It’s the damage that was done to my heart and my unwillingness to trust that love won’t hurt me again. That and a heavy dose of Irish pride that prevents me from allowing any man to pull that shit again.
I’ve created a checklist of what I absolutely must have in a relationship and perhaps I’ve had to scratch off quite a few criteria realizing that I’m not going to find the second coming—but on the top of that list is “Honesty”. I’ll compromise on the superficial things like his bank account and how tall he is (even though that one is a hard one for me) but honesty is a deal breaker. I realized the other day that I keep dating really dishonest men. I suppose that was what I was accustomed to for so many years so it feels familiar.
Luckily, these relationships don’t last past a few weeks because I can spot it a mile away and there is no way in hell I’m going down that path again. I realize that these are the guys that go out of their way to pursue you. They have an agenda and it’s not to your benefit. It’s a conquest more than a form of flattery. They sweet talk you or wine and dine you to win you over, but beneath the surface, it is disingenuous and deceptive.
This is not my cynicism talking—I have firsthand experience with players, liars, and narcissists. All have taught me a valuable lesson on what to avoid. Yet, I still end up finding them! I follow a guy named Mathew Hussey. He’s a relationship coach that gives an honest perspective on how men think and why they treat women a certain way. It’s fascinating at times and I highly recommend you listen to his message. He filmed a video that gave me hope. He said that even “quality women” (he’s British) meet guys that are not high-quality men.
He went on to say that it isn’t your fault that you meet men that are jerks—it’s not that you’re attracting them they are simply out there. He said, “The difference is that a woman that values themselves will stop that relationship before it even starts because you know you deserve better”. This made me feel so much better! All this time I thought, I was somehow responsible for attracting assholes. I felt like I was a magnet for all the assholes within a 50-mile radius. Turns out it isn’t me! There’s just a lot of assholes out there and at least I dumped them sooner than later. I may have to compromise on a few things on my lengthy checklist, but honesty and integrity are not one of them.
I know I’ll find love, but I’m not willing to compromise on trust. Trust is everything in a relationship. If I don’t trust them initially then they don’t deserve my time and energy. Thank you—next. I can’t stand Arianna Grande really, but I do love that song. It says it all.
So ladies (and the gentlemen that may read my blog), if you’re looking for love, keep that in mind. Don’t settle for anything less than what you want and deserve. Look at the core of the person instead of the pretty package. The package is deceiving and only lasts a short time until you uncover the truth.
Listen, I get it. The loneliness gets to me too at times. I miss cuddling and sharing my life with someone special but I’m not willing to compromise my own value on a person that doesn’t deserve my love. I’d rather be alone. Only nice guys from now on. The ones that take the time to call or text you every day. The ones who take you out and make an effort to spend time with you and treat you with respect. Not the smooth talkers or the ones to tell you what you want to hear. The guy who is genuine and doesn’t use women as some sort of trophy that they won. The kind of guy that places value on commitment and loyalty. That’s the kind of man I’m looking for…not the boys that constantly need to feed their ego.
Never compromise your value to fill the hole of loneliness. You will only feel that same loneliness in a relationship. I’ve turned a corner recently and I’ve realized that I have to become the same person that I wish to be with. If I want someone who’s whole and not still fighting their demons then I have to be that person too. I have to learn to feel happy and fulfilled by myself in order to attract the same. I wake up every day with gratitude, not regret. I hold tight to my values and to a belief of what my partner will bring to the relationship.
Things don’t define me—my soul does. Dig deep within yourself and pull out the person you want to see show up in your life. The only way to find them is to find it in yourself. Take off the mask. Take off the armor. Allow love to flow through you instead of holding on to it tightly for risk of feeling vulnerable. More importantly, don’t give your love away to someone that doesn’t cherish it. Don’t let spring fever cloud your judgment and remember to love yourself above all.