I recently had a moment of weakness as I sat in bed one evening with a glass of wine browsing endlessly for a new pair of spring sandals on the DSW app. Instead of shopping for shoes I went against my better judgement and downloaded a new dating app. I know, I know…I said I would never subject myself to the horrors on online dating again, but I heard from a friend of a friend that they met a great guy on Zoosk. Probably the exception to the rule that someone found love online, but I thought, “What’s the harm in looking?” So, I uploaded a few pictures and wrote a fairly dull profile and started shopping for men. I scrolled and I scrolled swiping left countless times waiting to for those perfect pair of shoes…oh, I mean my perfect match. Honestly, shopping for shoes is more thrilling to me. The only good thing about online dating is how entertaining it is to see what men consider an acceptable profile pic.
I really think I’m going to start a new business coaching guys on how to take a decent selfie and how not to creep a woman out online. Seriously! These dudes need help!
Here’s an example: Meet Ed…Ed is a 65 year old man from Rocky Hill. His profile pic resembles a mug shot of a potential sex offender. He loves riding his Harley and drinking beer. (Quite often, I assume based on the size of his beer belly). His opening line was…and I quote, “Hi, I like your photos can you show more?” I laughed so hard I nearly peed myself on that one. Seriously? Could you get any creeper?!
Still not convinced online dating is a vortex of creepy old men or young boys looking to get laid? Well…here’s another example: Meet “Crack” (yes, that is actually what he chose as a profile name). “Crack” is a 42 year old man from East Hartford. Not a bad looking guy but is profile reads, “Looking for friends maybe more…” He just sent me a little heart emoji and I’m scared of what might come next. Oh, and then there’s “Bob” who decided to upload a selfie that’s angled downward so that you can see all the little adorable nose hairs he has…isn’t that just precious?! I mean…come on fellas….what the hell are you thinking?? I scroll through all my messages from these guys and I can’t help but to wonder—In what universe do you think you have a chance of getting a date with a woman? Now, I’m not cocky by any means, but I think everyone knows their own “attractive meter”. I’m far from a 10, but these dudes are barely a 2! I find it fascinating that they think they would have a chance with me or anyone for that matter. I hate to sound “judgy” but most of these guys look like serial killers or creepy accountants who haven’t gotten laid since 1994.
The real kicker is all the normal ones live over 100 miles away, so there is little chance of that working out. I had the sweetest guy message me from Albany saying, “If only you were closer. You are so beautiful.” I just had to reply to thank him for the compliment. He replied by saying, “Some guy will be very lucky to have you in his life. Smile and stay beautiful.” Isn’t that just so sweet??!! I’m currently looking for jobs in Albany.
I do believe that it is possible to find a good guy online, but the chances are slim to none. I continue to swipe and swipe telling myself that I just need one good one….just one. I’m going to remain open to the possibility and just cross my fingers that I don’t get any more creepy guys calling me “Sugar Shorts” If you’ve been a loyal reader of my blog…you’ll know what that means. I still have PTSD from the last time I went online dating two years ago, but I’m trying to stay optimistic and I am currently in treatment. Perhaps I’m foolish to think my prince charming is out there in the endless carousel of blurry profile pics, but I am a romantic at heart. I will be forming a support group for those of you that are traumatized by the online dating experience. We will be meeting every Thursday at seven o’clock. BYOB!