It’s funny how life works. Lately, I am continuously reminded of how divorce impacts your life and how difficult the journey can be. I’m also reminded of how people that have been through heartbreak and divorce can come out the other side better than they ever thought possible.
My experiences are constantly reminding me that I have to shift my mindset when it comes to love and relationships. I catch myself thinking or saying such negative things about people’s intentions (particularly men). I am both a cynical bitch and hopelessly romantic and the two polarizing beliefs just cancel each other out. On one hand, I believe in love and feel such incredible joy when I see two people fall in love. On the other hand, I believe that people have ulterior motives and are basically full of shit. My Gemini nature is always rearing its ugly contradicting head.
I see friends or women that I have encountered through my blog end up in healthy happy relationships after divorce or terribly painful breakups and it brings me to hope that one day it will happen for me and the people closest to me. Then I see women (and men) end up in toxic or very unhealthy relationships and I realize that their lack of self-worth causes them to attract people that are manipulative or just plain assholes. I’m starting to understand that you attract exactly what you believe to be true. If you believe you deserve true love it finds you. If you distrust people or don’t know your worth—you find people that prove that to be true. You see the universe is actually giving you exactly what you create in your mind. You manifest exactly what you feel you deserve. Scary but true.
After a divorce, there is a process of healing and growth that needs to happen in order to use that painful experience as a lesson in self-awareness and self-love. If you don’t use the pain as a masterclass in finding what you truly want in your life, you will continue to attract toxic or emotionally unavailable partners. There is a very fine line between being open to love and falling prey to the desire for attention. Even when that attention is clearly not what is best for you. We are caught up in the need for connection to another person and fail to see that the person wasn’t really good enough for us in the first place. We can be blinded by our fear of loneliness and overlook the glaring red flags that show us this person is taking advantage of us.
People are especially vulnerable to this during a divorce. I can’t tell you how many cockroaches that came out of the woodwork when they knew I was going through a divorce. It was as if they had a radar for desperate women that are starved for attention and need to ease the pain that happens to lead straight to their bedroom. I look back now and recognize how lost I was back then. I see how tremendous the pain was and how I walked around in a fog of despair. You feel as if you can’t stand the pain any longer and you just want it to end. You second guess your decision and wonder if you made the biggest mistake of your life.
I want you to know that this heaviness will slowly disappear and you will come out of it the other side stronger, more aware, and a better person than you were before but only if you listen to your intuition and start to value yourself like never before. If you don’t spend time being self-reflective and learning to love yourself than it’s all for nothing. You will end up in a worse situation or repeating the mistakes of the past.
This is why I have chosen to stay single for so long. I’ve put in the time and done the work. I’ve accepted loneliness and embraced the little girl inside me that was scared of being alone. I learned to love myself on a whole other level. I learned that I can make it alone because it’s better than being with someone that doesn’t value me or give me exactly what I deserve. I’ve become intolerant of men that are not willing to put in the effort it takes to have a committed relationship. I’ve healed and now I am ready to attract the person that will enhance my life and not just settle for whoever comes along. I am deliberate and crystal clear as to what I’m looking for in a partner and I won’t waste my time on someone that doesn’t fit that description. I didn’t go through all that pain to make the same mistake again. I listen to my gut. Not my heart that believes that true love happens just like in the movies nor do I listen to my head that overanalyzes the probability of compatibility needing to be 99.99% in order to work. I listen to my intuition about a person that I’m dating and it always tells me what I need to know. I don’t get discouraged when it doesn’t work out because nothing that is meant for me will pass me by.
I haven’t met my person yet but I will. He’s going to be more than I ever could have hoped for because I took time alone to heal, I’ve done the work to shift my mindset, I’ve listened to my gut, and I’ve learned to love myself enough not to allow anyone to mistreat me. Sure, it has taken me longer to get there but it will be worth the wait. Every time I experience another disappointment, I shift my feelings of frustration to the belief that I’m one step closer to finding out exactly what I want and need based on what that person failed to provide.
This is true in career and in relationships. Being stuck in despair or negativity will only attract more of the same. Try to always shift your thoughts and beliefs to align with what you WANT and not to what you don’t want. I understand the constant struggle to accomplish this–believe me! I have to check myself on a regular basis and I know it isn’t always easy or even possible when there are people in your life that bring out the worst in you. The key is to align your intentions with your thoughts and beliefs. Once all of that is in alignment it will all fall into place. Yes, you have to feel the pain, frustrations, anger, and disappointment. You can’t deny their existence but you also can’t stay stuck there very long or it will consume you and keep you stuck.
Think of it as a way to unpack or toss out the things you don’t need anymore. Those jeans in the closet that are too big for you now for example. You’ve shed the weight and you don’t ever want to go back there. Holding on to those jeans is like holding on to the belief that you’re going to be fat again. The same goes for putting up with a husband or boyfriend that makes you feel unloved or undervalued. Why hang on to someone that doesn’t see your value. That person usually has their own shit to work on but they gaslight you into thinking that you are the one that has the problem. What about the boyfriend that tells you what you want to hear but never shows you with their actions. Throw them out with the fat jeans and the worn-out socks with the holes in the toes. You don’t need that shit anymore! It’s only taking up space for the things that should be there. Wasting your time with emotionally unavailable people is like putting back the skinny jeans on the rack that look fabulous on you because you don’t have enough room in your closet full of fat jeans. Holding on to someone that isn’t meant for you is telling the universe you’re not ready to let go of the belief that you only deserve what you got instead or believing that you could have much more. Okay, maybe my metaphor isn’t the best analogy but you get the point. Just like transforming your body, you have to transform your mind. You can’t hold on to what doesn’t serve you anymore. Toss out the thoughts with the fat jeans and you will be well on your way to having the life and the love you always wanted.