Divorce is never easy, no matter how amicable the process may be between you and your ex. In my experience, once we divided up all the assets (or should I say debt) and the papers were signed, I felt like the hard part was over. We left the court house that day and hugged good-bye and when we let go from our embrace we knew we were letting go forever.
I sat in my car and cried, but they were tears of relief. I felt a weight had been lifted and I was free from the pain I had been in all those years. I realized that I loved that man very deeply as a person, but despised him as my husband. Strange…I know. The truth is, the moment I was no longer tied to him, I looked at him as a man who loved me the best he could. The fact that he didn’t have control over me and wouldn’t affect my life every day, helped me to release all the anger and resentment I held towards him. I knew he would always be there for me when I needed help and we would always be family. Albeit, a distant family but family none the less.
Like every family, there are times when I want to smack him upside his head because he is an absent father going through his little mid-life crisis, but the kids know how much he loves them and they also know he is somewhat incapable of showing the depth of his love.
I realized that what is really bothering me lately is not the divorce, but the simple fact that when I lost my job, I lost my identity and security. Coupled with the fact that now that he is re-married, I couldn’t lean on him the way I wanted to and I couldn’t expect him to take care of me and the kids anymore. I was paying the price for that freedom I had come to love so much after my divorce. That’s when it hits you and divorce seems hard. When you feel alone…
If we’re honest with ourselves, it’s not the divorce that is still causing us pain and sorrow it’s the fact that we haven’t accepted standing alone.
Listen, I get it. Being alone sucks sometimes, but being in another shitty relationship with someone who doesn’t treat you right is far worse. Agreed? So, here’s an opportunity for you to reinvent yourself. Change your perspective from loss and heartache to view this whole experience as a necessary metamorphosis of your life. All of this didn’t happen to make you a miserable shell of a person…all of this happened so that you can transform from a caterpillar to a butterfly. My sister used this analogy to go a little bit further. She explained that we can’t snap our fingers and become a butterfly…we need to spend time in this dark isolating cocoon, spend time feeling the ache of change, experience the ugliness of pain and discomfort to emerge in the beauty of our full potential.
This is your opportunity to become something you dreamed of becoming. Think about what it is that truly brings you joy. Not the fun, “partying” kind of joy, but the kind that makes you feel like this is what you were meant to do in life kind of joy. What is your gift…. your purpose? Do you know what it is? Well, all you need to do is figure it out! Don’t be a damn moth…be a BUTTERFLY! Now is your time! It may evolve into a hobby that makes you feel at peace and balanced or it may be a complete reinvention of your life.
I may be in the cocoon stage right now, but I’m very close to emerging into my new life. I know my purpose now and I would never have found it without these seemingly horrible circumstances unfolding the way they did. I’m grateful for my divorce—I’m even grateful for losing my job believe it or not. They are a gift that forced me to stumble across my passion and allowed me reinvented myself. Without those painful lessons in life I would have never found it. My silver lining if you will…
This past weekend I participated in the Woman’s March in Hartford and it renewed my faith in the power and strength of women. Watching the millions who gathered throughout the country and around the world was incredibly inspiring. As women, we sometimes keep ourselves small and accept our current circumstances. We put our others needs before our own, especially when it comes to our families. The world heard our voice on January 21st and we need to take this opportunity to create change. Real change. Equality will never be achieved if we take a back seat in our own lives. On that historic day, I marched for women, I marched for racial justice and equality, I marched for the LGBT community, I marched for religious freedom, and I marched for the men who support the rights of all people. After the election, I felt powerless and now I feel hopeful. Perhaps this all had to happen for us to wake up and transform just like the butterfly.
I hope you can use this time and create a space where you can do the same. The lesson is hidden in there somewhere to bring you closer to your undiscovered self, you just need to be open to finding it. It makes all the heartache and disappointment worth it…I promise.