I opened up one of my journals last night after waiting for a phone call that never came. As I sit here reading the words of affirmation that I wrote last year suddenly I was saddened by what has happened in 2020. We’ve been in quarantine due to the Coronavirus for two months. I think we all had hopes for this year but now we find ourselves in isolation. Some of us more than others. Each day that passes runs into another. Some good…some not so good. I wake up every day with gratitude. I’m grateful for my health, my children, my family, my friends. We may be separated by six feet of anxious uncertainty but we are still deeply connected. I find the silver lining amongst the dark clouds every day. I get to work from home and have more free time to do the things that bring me joy. I walk, I write, I meditate, practice yoga.
I try to find balance and the beauty of slowing down and being still. Loneliness creeps in to remind me of what my heart desires. Companionship, intimacy, and love. I let my desires to find love throw me off course. I thought I might have found someone with the potential to be that person. We had a real connection or so I thought. He was a distraction. Perhaps a gift to make me feel less alone but unfortunately was not who I’d hoped he would be. At least not for me. Our messages to each other were honest and sweet—sharing a window into our lives laced with hopes that our lives would one day intertwine. I was wrong. He became yet another disappointment. Another reminder of my brokenness.
Not his fault, of course, he was the mirror showing me a reflection of my neuroses. My internal resistance to be loved by a man that shares my passions and checks all the boxes. He said so many things to make me believe it could happen until…he didn’t. Did my fear and insecurities suffocate what could have been? Did I hold back too much or give too little? Perhaps he was only here during a lonely time to show me what I need to work on in order to get closer to love. I was vulnerable with him, which is why it stings a little more. I put my pride aside and opened up to him but when he met me halfway, he started to take steps back and so did I. Perhaps he has his own demons to battle. Perhaps my demons prevented me from trusting in love. The narrative that all men want is sexual partners plays on repeat in my head and that’s why I attract that into my life.
I’m not sure why I wanted so much more from someone I never even met. I suppose it was because of the reality of social isolation makes you take pause when you are faced with being alone with your feelings of being unloved. Being unloved romantically is the cruel fate of building walls around you to guard your heart. Anything not to feel betrayed again. Anything not to feel vulnerable. Yet, here I am alone, the direct cause of my own doing. How can someone want to find love so badly but be the same person who prevents it from happening? I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in the deceit of my hope and the universal law which causes love to stay at bay. Call it self-sabotage. Call it self-preservation. Whatever you call it—it is two opposing desires that lead me to my own demise. It has nothing to do with him but everything to do with me.
For over a month, I found myself checking my phone waiting for the next message as if it defined my happiness for that day. It was intoxicating when he told me all the things I wanted to hear. What began as long thoughtful messages all throughout the day became less frequent and less intimate. My knee-jerk reaction was that he found someone else—maybe someone that was willing to sleep with him. Therefore, I do what I know best and I recoil sliding back into my fortress. Thoughts on repeat telling me it was all a lie. A ploy to draw me in…a twisted game men play to toy with your heart in order to get what they want.
The game played by egos wanting attention. Shallow and self-serving. I play the game too. The difference is I expect to fall in love while they just want a moment of self-gratification. My bitterness and cynicism return like an old companion. They have proven me right again, but I tell myself I didn’t want to be right this time. This time was supposed to be different. The connection felt real. It may have been real for a moment but two wounded souls find each other and just cancel each other out don’t they? We are reflections of each other. All couples are.
I tell myself this was growth. Another lesson learned. The lesson was for me to listen and see my thoughts for what they are. The harsh reflection needed to be revealed in order to get me closer to my person. The unveiling of my thoughts and beliefs surrounding the unwillingness to trust in the one thing that connects us all. Love. I’m thankful for this window into the depth of my neuroses. It’s my teacher. Self-preservation is not my friend. It’s my enemy I must constantly battle it order to surrender. I know now what I must do to draw true love into my life. The armor must come off. I have to sit with my enemies—my negative thoughts and find resolution. I have to be honest with myself about my negative beliefs being solely responsible for attracting emotionally unavailable men.
This showed me that although I opened myself up to this person more than I ever have in the past it was not enough to dispel my deep-seated beliefs. Love doesn’t hide behind ego and pride. Love can’t exist with protection and unrealistic expectations of another person’s actions. Love won’t reveal itself under a mask only revealing what you want them to see. Love is a verb that has to be given not just received. Love will not enter when you are only willing to be cautiously optimistic. Not the kind of love I want anyway. Love is a vibration that only someone on the same vibrational level will meet you with open arms and an open heart. That is the beautiful lesson that I needed to learn. I’ll take this lesson into my next experience and truly let down my weapons and surrender. That person will be a reflection of the best part of me.