Over the past several years I’ve dated a few really good guys that (at the time) I thought weren’t quite right for me. In hindsight, I realize that they probably weren’t so bad and perhaps I didn’t give them a fair chance. I picked apart every aspect that didn’t fit my endless list of criteria and if one little thing reminded me of my ex…I ran for the hills. Perhaps I was just afraid. Perhaps I was pushing love away because I was scared. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of being hurt. Scared of love.
Imagine that—being scared of the one thing in life that makes life worth living. Looking back now, I’ve re-evaluated those relationships (short-lived as they may be) and see that I didn’t even give them a try. There are one or two (possibly three) that I now regret cutting short and wish I could have a second chance. Granted the outcome might be the same, but at least I would know that it wasn’t just me resisting love and not wanting to lose my freedom…I would be able to look at the relationship more objectively and not let fear and doubt get in the way.
Some days, I could kick myself because I see these men in a different light and having experienced quite a few dirt bags through dating online–they’re starting to look more and more like prince charming. I sit here wondering how different my life would have been if I had just given them a chance. I romanticize what could have been and long for the opportunity to have another go at it–like one of those sappy stories of unrequited love you see in the movies. Then, the voice of reason (or perhaps my voice of cynicism) returns and reminds me of all the things I didn’t like about them. Perhaps the truth lies somewhere in the middle. On one end, I realize that I may have been quick to give up because I was afraid of opening up my heart and being hurt, but on the other end, I believe that your person will come to you when the time is right and nothing will get in the way.
One thing I know for sure is that the wall I’ve built around me has slowly come down and I am much more willing to see past the superficial things that prevented me from finding someone before. Yes, I still want them to be tall dark and handsome with a good job, but I’m willing to look past all of those things if they are good to me and I feel a soul connection with them. I mean…let’s face it I’m not as young as I used to be and my options are limited. Lol!
My advice to all those lonely hearts out there who are desperately looking for love; don’t be so quick to judge a person at face value. Don’t chase after people that you’re physically attracted to knowing they’re not good for you and don’t let the “nice guy” get away because he may not be your type. Look past the outer shell and see who they are on the inside and more importantly how they will treat you. Don’t set yourself up for another heartbreak and feeling rejected by focusing on looks and looks alone. Yes, you have to be attracted to them, but one thing I’ve learned is that you have to look beyond the physicality of a person. There are guys I didn’t find very attractive before, that I find extremely attractive now because of the fact that they are good men who would probably treat me like a queen.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready to see that at the time, but I’m not going to let that happen again. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dated all types of guys…short, fat, broke, tall, slim and well off…I haven’t been completely superficial, but I have pushed them all away–finding any excuse to hide away from love. Now that the wall is down and I’m working on picking up the pieces and building a new life, I’m looking for someone to be my partner. Not my savior. Not my knight in shining armor. My partner in life that will love me where I am right now at this very moment. Just as I am.
Know that you are good enough just as you are. You don’t need to change to earn someone’s love and attention. The right person will love you just as you are because you love yourself just as you are. Stop doubting your worth and chasing someone or something that is unobtainable or toxic. You stay there because you think it’s safe. You have no expectation for them to love you therefore, they can’t hurt you when they constantly reject you. This is the lie you tell yourself. I know, I’ve been there. More times than I care to admit. Keeping someone at arm’s length just to have someone’s attention may fill a need temporarily, but in the long run you’ll see that it was a waste of time and a way to protect yourself from being hurt again. Real love and being loved is worth the risk. You just have to be willing to try.