Owning Your Sexuality

The title got your attention, didn’t it? Let’s talk about sex, making love, getting it in, doing the dirty, getting laid, the horizontal mambo, intercourse, getting a piece of ass, fuck buddies, gettin’ busy… whichever of the hundreds of euphemisms you prefer. We’re going to go deep (pun intended) and talk about sex for women in their forties. Now, let me preface this by letting you know that I am a recovering Irish Catholic and I was raised to think sex was a sin that would send me straight to hell. I’ve had a lifetime of brainwashing telling me that “good girls” don’t have sex before marriage and even when you’re married it’s not for enjoyment—it’s strictly for procreation. No wonder I’ve had so many hang-ups when it comes to my sexuality!

Now, I never considered myself a prude, but I never took agency over my sexuality and always had a sense of shame around being a sexual person. Now that I’m older, I see all the hang ups I once had about sex, even in my marriage. I never felt comfortable in my own body and my insecurity held me back from truly feeling …free. I allowed the voices in my head telling me to be modest and not be a whore, prevent me from really enjoying sex to the fullest. There were times in my marriage that I tried to find my inner porn star, but alas, I was still the mother of his children and it never felt right.

I was one of the women that judged other women for having multiple sexual partners or just giving it up for anyone. Even when I started dating after my divorce, I created a list of rules to adhere to before I would sleep with someone. Hell, I was celibate for over two years because I promised myself I wasn’t going to sleep with anyone that I didn’t see myself in a long term relationship with…hence why I was celibate.

The women in my life have a range of varied beliefs surrounding sex. Some have been married for a long time and don’t remember what it’s like to be single with only a few sexual partners in their early twenties. Others are single or newly divorced that would screw anything in sight. Then there are women in between, who have had their fun and are now looking for a little more than a good lay. I guess that’s where I am. I’m somewhere in the middle. I’m coming to a point in my life where I want to throw out all the rules and take ownership of my wants and needs, yet I want to stay true to my beliefs that I deserve more than just being used for sex.

Sex and dating in your forties, is so drastically different than it was in your twenties. The lines are blurred. I think men are confusing a woman’s right to enjoy her sexuality, with the right to earn their respect. I’m sorry for generalizing, but there is a large population of men out there that think it’s okay to use a woman for sex and never even try to form a relationship with her. They go ghost for weeks and then scroll through their phone hitting up whomever they can until your number pops up again. No date…no dinner…no nothing. Who is really to blame in this scenario? The creeps that think this is okay or the women who allow it? Call me old fashioned, but doesn’t a woman deserve a real date anymore? Where’s the romance? Where’s the conversation? Where is the willingness to build a relationship anymore? I want to enjoy sex, but I don’t want to sleep with someone who only wants sex from me. Does that make me a prude? If it does, then I will gladly take that title.

I’m actually dating someone now that is giving me both mind-blowing sex and an emotional connection. I’m not sure if it will go anywhere just yet, but he is everything you want in a partner. Kind, considerate, funny, intellectually stimulating and makes me feel like a super model, oh and hands down the best sex I’ve ever had. What more could you want from a lover? He is making realize how much I held back with other partners because I’m free to embrace the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. I never felt that with a casual sexual partner because I knew I couldn’t trust them and fully let go of my inhibitions. I knew it was just sex and they would never get all of me and I would only get the most shallow part of them. Sex is so much better when there’s a deeper connection and sex is so much better when your being true to yourself.

I guess that is the lesson I’ve learned in this horrible social experiment called dating. It’s okay to own your sexuality, but it’s even better to share that with someone who knows your worth. The most important thing I’ve learned in my quest as a feminist, is everyone woman’s needs are different and no one should judge a woman any differently than a man. If a man wants to have sex with multiple people with no strings attached, no one says a word; yet women are still slut shamed for it. Ladies, do whatever the hell makes you feel good and shatter the double standard that society places on a woman’s sexuality. As long as you’re staying true to your needs and desires, it’s your body and you can choose. Men will only treat you the way you allow them to, so you decide for yourself what you want that to be.

In the words of my Irish Catholic mother “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?”  I say…”What’s good for the goose is good for the gander.” Yes, own your sexuality but value yourself first. Now, go get laid, but after he takes you to dinner. Lol!

With Faith, Hope, and Love


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