It has only been a month since I went on a date and I’m starting to feel the urge to pick up the pipe again and try a different approach to online dating. I’m not sure why. It didn’t go too well the last time. Perhaps I’m a glutton for punishment? Maybe I’m just bored…or maybe just maybe I truly believe love is possible…even online. My question is, which site do I use? There are so many these days it’s hard to choose which one is right for me. Case in point:
Match: Been there done that. I only get hit on by 20-year-old boys or creepy 70-year-old men.
Tinder: If you’ve read my blogs…need I say more? Scratch that one off the list!
eHarmony: No one is on eHarmony anymore except for fat old accountants named Herb or sex offenders like the guy I met in Newport…remember that story?? If not, reference blog post from 6/22/16 “Raising the White Flag”. What a nightmare!
Plenty of Fish: You mean plenty of bottom dwellers?! I was on this site for one day and all I got were married guys, swingers, guys into S&M, and guys that were 5 foot 4”.
OK Cupid: Just okay? What a stupid name. Who wants cupid to set them up with someone that’s just okay? Dumb.
Christian Mingle: Yea, just what I need…some bible banger judging me because I swear too much or believe in gay marriage. That’s one site where I don’t belong. They would probably ban me.
Black People Meet: Um, don’t think I haven’t thought about it. One problem…I’m not black, but I heard white girls have the nerve to join this site. Call me crazy, but it just seems wrong. I’ll just leave it at that Becky. :/
Zoosk: This seems like a title to a children’s store, therefore I feel that pedophiles feel the same. Your creepy uncle is definitely on that site!
Our Time: Dating for senior citizens. I will definitely give it a try if I’m still single 20 years from now.
JDate: This one’s new! Never dated a Jew before…I’m open to it. The only question is; would I have to convert to Judaism? Not sure I’m down with that…I wonder if there is a “MDate” for the Muslim community or BDate for Buddhist looking for a hook up? Hope I didn’t offend anyone’s religion. These are just jokes people…just jokes. I could care less about religion. Praise whomever you want! Peace be with you. 🙂
Singleparents.com: Where single people go to talk about their kids the entire time…no thanks.
Elite Singles: Where workaholics go to talk about work the entire time…not for me.
SugarDaddy.com: Now you’re talkin’!!! Oh wait…I’m not a 20-year-old super model…nevermind.
Fitness Singles: Haaa! Don’t think they allow curvy girls that barely work out twice a week on that site. That’s out!
LargeFriends.com: What a stupid name! I’d respect it more if they called it “Chubby Chasers” or “Love Large”. I might have to gain a few pounds to be allowed on there, so that’s not happening.
Coffee Meets Bagel: Seriously? I don’t even eat bagels! Too many carbs. Maybe I should create my own dating site call “Eggs Meet Turkey Bacon” or “Peanut butter Meets Jelly”. Wait, how about “Peas Meet Carrots” or better yet, “Box of Chocolates” online blind dates and the slogan could be “you never know what you’re gonna get”. I think that’s brilliant! Of course I would design the algorithms to make sure you’re not matched up with Forest Gump.
Sorry, I digress. So, those are my choices? Guess that answers that! I’m staying off the grid. In fact, I announced to a friend who asked me if I was still online dating that I was “happily celibate.”
Just last night we were at my friends 40th birthday party and I was talking to this guy who came up to me and my friend. It was very apparent that this guy had a little too much to drink, especially when he decided it was okay to thrust his hips into my side making lude noises. Yes, I’m dead serious! Believe me, I wish I was kidding, but it really happened! I was just talking to the guy and I turned around to get a napkin and the next thing I know he’s air humping me like a dog in heat. My friend’s jaw was hanging open in shock when she saw this. When I proceeded to tell him that it was completely inappropriate and asked him what the hell he doing, he proceeded to slur something to the effect of “when you see something you like you just gotta touch it.” I could feel my blood starting to boil and I said, “who in the hell gave you the right or the permission to touch me in such a lude inappropriate way?!” He proceeded to slur something stupid, so I just walk away before I decked the creep. When I returned back to my group of friends they just couldn’t believe anyone would do that. Shit like this only seems to happen to me! I really think I have some sort of tracking device or a magnet that attracts the biggest creeps on the planet. Their suggestion was that I should try dying my hair brown to see if I am less likely to attract assholes. I laughed and said, “Oh yea, that will change everything as I point to the creep groping a brunette across the room.”
These are the very same creeps online! In fact, he’s probably on Tinder right now! This is the pool of losers I have to choose from. Which is exactly why I chose to stay celibate thank you. If I get desperate enough for a date I think I might just lurk in the isles of a hard ware store and take my chances. Being single is looking better and better every day.