Call it “writer’s block” or avoidance— either way, I haven’t been writing lately because I’m overwhelmed. All this time I thought that once I got out of the house and found a job that would allow me to pay the bills, I would be…happy. Well, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Remember how I said I love the little house I’m renting? Well, the woman I’m renting from broke up with her abusive boyfriend and wants her house back. Oh and the job I wanted so that I could live more comfortably is actually crushing my soul. It’s awful. I’m working 10-11 hour days and still grossly underpaid in a job that I feel is a gigantic step down from my skills and experience as a program director, yet I have to do it to pay my bills. I’m barely making ends meet and there are days that I’m fucking miserable.
I hate that I’m even saying this. I want so badly to be “happy”. I want my life to turn around and become the person I’m meant to be, but instead, I’m back to square one. I have no idea where I’m going to live in a few months and I’m stuck in a dead end job doesn’t fulfill me. Not to mention another disappointment with a guy that I thought might have some potential. Turns out, he’s just like the rest. I honestly thought that this would be the year everything would turn around for me but instead there are moments when I’m feeling worse than ever.
I recently went to the beach with friends of mine and I was having a conversation with one of them about all of this. This person said the simplest yet most profound sentence to me. He said, “You just have to get completely clear with what you want and focus on asking for that to come into your life.” He was absolutely right! I haven’t been clear. I wanted this job to pay my bills but it’s not what I really want to do. The universe gave it to me because that’s exactly what I asked for. When I moved into this house, I was happy with having a nice little home but I kept thinking it was “temporary” because it’s not mine. Well, that’s exactly what the universe gave me. Now I have to get the hell out in less than eight months. I want true love and a relationship in my life but I don’t want to give up my freedom. I realized I am completely contradicting what I want in my life in true Gemini form.
After I digested what he had said, I took a long walk on the beach and thought about what I truly want. I found a quiet spot to meditate and allowed the waves to wash away my fears and anxiety. I went into a deep meditative state and I visualized everything I want to see happen in my life. I saw myself at my book signing with lines of people waiting to talk to me and share their stories with me. I felt full of love and gratitude. I saw myself with my own practice helping people heal their relationships or heal from their broken hearts. I saw myself financially free from ever having to worry about money and being able to help others along the way. I went deeper into my mediation. As I listen to the waves, I transcended. I felt God’s presence. I felt a release as tears rolled down my face envisioning the love of my life moving towards me wiping the tears away. I felt the warmth of his lips kissing me. One gentle kiss that made me feel as though I was safe and cherished. I felt it so deeply it felt as though it was real.
I sat there in the sand for what felt like hours. I lost myself and felt a calm I have never felt before. I found clarity. The sun was shining on my face and a cool breeze washed over me. I felt renewed. When I opened my eyes, I took in the beauty surrounding me. I felt such a great sense of gratitude and knowing.
As I walked back to all my friends, I picked up three rocks that looked as though they were painted beautiful shades of blues and green. They are stacked perfectly upon each other beside my bed as a reminder. They remind me of that inner peace. They remind me of what I asked for that day. They remind me of what I need to focus on in order to get the life I truly want.
I have to work hard not to feel discouraged when things don’t seem to go my way. I have to remember that the path is never a straight line. Sometimes you have to take the unmarked path that isn’t clear as to where you may end up.
You might stumble and fall along the way. You may feel like you’re lost. You may feel like giving up but you have to keep taking that next step and just trust that you will end up exactly where you want to be.
The only thing you have to do is be completely clear with what you truly want and don’t go back to the same path you were on. Change course if you are unhappy. Deep down we all know in our hearts what we truly want in life. Don’t settle for less than. You deserve exactly what you ask for. If you ask for less doubting that you can have that or that somehow you don’t deserve it, then that’s exactly what you will get. Believe and know that you can have exactly what you truly want. Write it down and read it as an affirmation each day.
One day I will be able to look back on this post and remember sadness and fear as a distant memory. I will look back with gratitude that I had that day on the beach when I asked and received everything I’ve always wanted.