Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things to accomplish after a relationship has ended and yet, it is the only way to truly get through the process of healing. Forgiving the person that hurt you so deeply can feel like we’re handing out a free pass to redemption for their wretched soul. Quite truthfully, we want to hold on to the pain and hurt they may have caused as a way to prove how horrible they are as a person because it makes us feel justified and right.
It allows us to be the “good guy” and demonizes their flawed character. It also allows us to play the role of the victim and they are the monster who never really deserved your love. This may actually be true in some cases but guess what…they’re saying the same thing about you my friend. Every story has two sides and everyone has their own perspective that caters to their own ego. No one wants to be the one to blame, so they create scenarios in their mind that justify their actions. Even someone who has been unfaithful or continually lies will blame the other person for not meeting their needs, instead of taking responsibility for not communicating those needs.
They can twist the story into their own delusional argument where somehow they are the victim of feeling unloved and they were left with no choice than to fill that need with someone else. They may rationalize that they felt a special connection with another person or that they felt alone, undesired or unappreciated. You see where I’m going with this? We always have a story with any conflict in our lives that has us playing either the hero or the damsel in distress. How does that really serve you though?
Sure, it makes you feel good in the moment when you’re sitting around with your friends bashing your ex, but ultimately you’re holding on to resentment and bitterness. I’m not saying that it isn’t true or that you shouldn’t get it off your chest. In fact, it’s very therapeutic to vent to your friends about how hurt you are, as long as it allows you to move forward. Just don’t stay stuck in your story replaying the same scene as the jilted spouse and forget to live your life with a new beginning. I am guilty of this myself at times and each time I have to remind myself to stop feeling sorry for myself and let it go.
It’s important to take some responsibility for why the relationship didn’t last and let go of the anger and blame. As they say…it takes two to tango. Looking back I see where the relationship went wrong and I realized I should have handled things very differently. I was an enabler. I wanted to play the role of the self-righteous martyr trying to save him from himself. In the process I allowed more than I should have to keep the family together. I found it easy after the divorce to forgive him because I was finally free. I wanted us to stay friends and we did…for a while.
To be perfectly honest, my resentment for him being able to move on with a seemingly great life while my life was crumbling down around me and the kids, brought back all that pain and anger. I thought to myself–why does the one who F’ed up get to be happy and I’m left here with all the shit?! I’m not proud of how I felt but I had to feel it…anyone would feel that way in my situation. So, here I was again…needing to find forgiveness.
My ego wanted so badly to hold on to the bitterness and justify my anger, but I realized that I was just drinking my own poison and once again I had to dig deep in my heart and find compassion and love. Forgiving him was the only way that I could move forward and heal. I had to realize that he was no longer responsible for my unhappiness. I was.
You see, often we want to hate on the other person when they don’t do what we expect them to do or they don’t live up to our standards, but we have to realize that we can’t control them…we never could. The only thing you can control is how you react to it. If you hear yourself constantly bashing them and upset with the things they do, you’re essentially allowing them to control you. They are playing you like a puppet seeing what strings they can pull or what buttons they can push to get you all upset. Perhaps they do it to see if you still care or perhaps they’re just so self-centered they don’t even think about how it affects you or your children. Either way, you are the one feeling angry, resentful and betrayed all over again. You are the one hurting yourself by giving a shit what they do. While you’re up at night tossing and turning or crying into your pillow, they literally give zero fucks.
So then why let them continue to steal your joy? Why let what they did years ago or just last month affect you in any way? The truth is, the only way to move forward and find your own happiness is to completely forgive and let go. Otherwise you’re going to remain stuck in your own misery lamenting about the past. Holding on to anger is the lower level part of your self that is petty and jealous. It only makes you give off negative energy that causes more issues in your life and makes you very unattractive to others that are in a good place. You’ll keep attracting those negative people because you’re on the same wave length. Someone who is positive and loving will run the other way. They’ll be repelled by your constant negativity even if you try to hide it.
The best thing I did for myself was that I started meditating everyday. I know to some of you that may seem corny or like it’s a crock of shit, but I’m telling you it works! If every day you wake up and set your intention on being happy and light– the pain and anger will slowly melt away. You have to power to decide how your life will turn out. If you constantly complain and focus on what’s going wrong, you’re going to attract more of that into your life. People create their own reality, so today decide what are you going to choose. Forgiveness and love or anger and resentment. The choice is yours.
With Faith, Hope and Love,