Waking up alone in my bed has become the norm. I have a choice. I could wake up feeling lonely and depressed or I could wake up being grateful for the freedom to start my day any damn way I choose. I choose the latter. Every day you are faced with the choice. The choice to wallow in self-pity or bath in gratitude. We often romanticize being in a relationship and forget just how miserable we actually were being with that person. I don’t know about you, but I rarely see a married couple that is truly happy all the time. In reality, you spend 80% of the time completely annoyed by your spouse and the other 20% is just indifferent. Relationships are hard work and sometimes exhausting. You’re constantly navigating through the other person’s wants and needs—pouring all your energy into trying to make them happy or at the very least keeping things copasetic and in the process you lost your sense of self. You may even feel resentful that you are so busy doing everything for the family that you can’t even remember when the last time you had a day to yourself. Hell, you can’t even remember what it’s like to take a piss without someone bothering you.
Being a single mom for so long, that feeling doubles. To be honest, I felt like a single mom long before my divorce. My ex-husband was always gone and even when he was home he was working or obsessing about the lawn. (Actually, that is one thing I miss…having someone to take care of the damn lawn!) Now that my kids are older, I can finally spend my time the way I want to. If I want to go out with friends for the day, I can. If I want to lay in bed all day binging watching The Handmaid’s Tale and contemplate the complexities of gender equality in our world…I can. Watching that disturbing, yet all too realistic series has got me feelin’ some sorta way. It makes me realize how much we take our freedom as women for granted. It also makes me realize how much we allow ourselves to lose our voice when it comes to relationships with men. This is something I will never allow myself to do again. I’ve spent the past 6 months really transforming my life. I’ve taken control of my negative, self-limiting thoughts. I no longer give in to the anxiety of my financial problems, or allow myself to obsess about finding a new job or a new man.
I let go of the resentment towards my ex because he has a big beautiful house while mine has gone to shit. I’ve let go of the lie that being in a relationship will make me happy. No, dammit–I can choose to be happy right here and now. No matter what the circumstances may be…I choose happiness. I’ve taken control of my health, I’ve taken steps to change my financial situation and I make a conscious effort every day to find gratitude. That is freedom.
When I think of all the time and energy, I wasted on feeling shitty about myself and the way my life turned out, I realize how pointless it’s been. I know that divorce is hard and it takes time to heal that pain, but you can choose to end it today. All it takes is a decision. Whatever thoughts you are having about losing your ex or the pain he/she has caused you, can stop if you decide to let it go. All you need to do is change your perception.
Stop living in the past and obsessing about the future. All we have is today and if we live in today, we can find the joy in what the day could bring. Stop spending so much time staying locked inside the mental prison you’ve trapped yourself in. Living with anger, hurt and resentment will prevent you from living all together. You’re letting all the possibilities of living your best life pass you by. If you’re holding on to the delusion that not being in a relationship is preventing you from finding happiness, then that is exactly how you will feel every f’ing day. Wake up! Wake up and be happy right where you are today. Find the joy. The joy in making a person smile, walking in the park or listening to your favorite song. Stop blocking your joy with useless thoughts about how thing should be or how they could have been. If you’re unhappy with the way you look, do something to change it. Stop reaching for the pizza and beer to make you happy…they won’t make you happy…they’ll make you bloated and fat which will cause you to feel miserable all over again. On the flip side, If you’re miserable because you’re constantly obsessing about what you eat then eat the damn pizza and love yourself just as you are.
It’s all about finding that balance. Feeling the pain is important to working through it, but if you stay stuck there then you’ll never move forward. Your freedom lies within your balance. Take a few steps back and look at your life; if what you see doesn’t make you feel like your life is in balance, then you’re doing it wrong. Too much of a good thing can make you miserable and not enough can make you feel lost. Take a long look at the relationships in your life. If you surround yourself with miserable people, you’ll be miserable. If you have people in your life that don’t respect you and lift you up then they will continue to keep you down. Make changes. Find your balance. That is when your mind will be free from the mental capture and you will find your new life. It really is a choice.