One of my single girlfriends and I made a “pact” (if you will) to make a deliberate attempt at meeting a nice guy. We started with going to happy hour in the city (if you can call Hartford a city) to a restaurant/bar that attracts corporate types after work. Well, it was a bust. First off, it’s a bitch getting into the “city” during rush hour and we had to circle the place a half a dozen times just to find parking. When we finally went into the place, it was dead. Only a handful of people there that were either women or couples. Where are all the men? Have they given up on finding love in a bar too? Do they just retreat to their man caves in the winter?
We ended up ordering drinks and appetizers while talking about politics. About halfway through our political analysis of the impeachment hearings, I noticed that the bar was starting to fill up a little. Mid-convo, I reminded my friends of the purpose of our little field trip and to look around to see if we saw anyone attractive. The three of us did a scan of the room (which must have looked pretty hilarious) then turned back to each other and laughed. “Nope, nothing”. We then returned to talking about Bernie winning the election. Here we were three attractive women huddled together shooting the shit at a bar on a Friday night and forgetting that we were going to be more open to approaching men. Per usual.
Then I remember a video I watched from Mathew Hussey, author of “How to Get the Guy” and relationship coach that I love to follow. He has been on Good Morning America and plenty of other talk shows demonstrating how a woman should show interest and approach men in a social setting without being too aggressive.
I suggested we go to another location and meet up with our other friends at a cool new brewery that opened up. The place is always packed and it’s a good mix of people of all ages. We talked in the car about how we’re going to make the effort to meet someone this year and be more open to love. We find our friends and grab a drink. The place is full of men, so I scan the room to see if there is anyone worth talking to above 5’9” (which, at this point is the only superficial criteria that I’m holding on to). I spot one attractive guy, so I do what Mathew Hussey tells me and I make eye contact. He says to do this a second time and hold the gaze just a second longer. Now, I feel like a stalker but I do anyway.
He definitely notices me and sends me back a smile. I smile back and now I’m excited thinking OMG this shit really works! The next step is to close the gap and stand closer, allowing them to have an opportunity to talk to you without the embarrassment of crossing the room only to get shot down. I bring the drinks back to the table and ask my friend to look over at him and to see if there is anyone she finds attractive. She shrugs her shoulders and says, “Nah, not a one.” I tell her there is only one decent looking guy that looks close to my age over at the other table. My other friend looks and says he looks familiar. He shoots another smile at me and I return the gesture. I’m not the assertive type but I remember what Mathew says and I try to figure out a way to walk past him. I see him definitely checking me out but I, of course, am too chicken shit to make the first move. Just when I think he’s about to come my way, my friends says she thinks he’s married to someone she knows. Dammit! My hopes are deflated and my face turns back to its usual resting bitch face so he walks right by me. My face must have read, “Don’t even bother to try to talk to me, slimeball!”
I turn to my friend and we throw up our hands in defeat. “Oh well—so much for that approach!” Now we are back to square one realizing that we’re most likely never going to meet a guy in a bar. Both of us are sick of online dating sites, so where the hell are we going to meet someone? I told her I would do some research and see if there are any mixers for singles in the area because we have to find something that is more intentional for people looking to date.
Either that or we go back to our single lives and embrace being old maids. I’m fine with being single but it would be nice to share my life with someone. I’m starting to doubt that it’s in the cards for me. Is it possible to find love a second time around?
At the end of the night, my friend and I sat in the car for hours talking about love and relationships and we had some big breakthroughs. I told her that I have come to the point where I’m clearing out all the dudes that hit me up from time to time looking for attention. All these emotionally unavailable men that waste our time are done—gone—finito. Boy bye! We both have men that come out of the woodwork every once in a while to see if we still like them. Just then, I had an epiphany!
The reason we attract emotionally unavailable men is the same reason we repel the ones that want more. Subconsciously, we are sending out vibes that we are emotionally unavailable therefore, that is exactly what we attract. We say we are ready and willing to find love but we are holding on to our armor of protection at the same time. We are sending out mixed signals and wondering why the hell we can’t find a man. We don’t just want any man—we want “the” man. The one. The romance that we see in the movies where two people are magically drawn together unable to deny their feelings. That led us to ask—is the magic gone? What if that kind of magic only happens when you are young and naïve? What if we jaded middle-aged bitches can’t produce the magic just like our shriveled up ovaries.
We immediately tried to dispel this depressing new theory trying to find examples of people that found love a second time around. Unfortunately, we couldn’t really think of any good ones, but we’re still clinging on to hope. I refuse to believe that the magic is gone. I refuse to believe that we can’t find the love of our lives pushing 50. People find love later on in life all the time. I know it in my heart and I refuse to give up on my dream of finding it one day. I just wish it would hurry up already because I’m starting to lose hope. We’ll continue to keep searching and working on our mindset towards men and relationships. I keep telling myself and the people I coach, “You just need to find one.” The one that is meant for you. Know that nothing that is meant for you will pass you by.
Ultimately, we are fine with being single because we feel good about ourselves, but we hope to share our lives with someone that we can connect with on a deeper level. Neither of us wants to settle for just anyone. We want the second time around to be far better than the first.