Fighting the Funk

Back from a week in paradise!  You would think that I would have found my zen or feel re-energized, but instead I have been in a funk since I’ve been back.  The trip was great, don’t get me wrong. We had fun and relaxed by the beach sipping cocktails, laughing at all the interesting people walking by.  I thought I met the man of my dreams…picture this…. a tall dark older man in a tight leopard Speedo, gold chains, gold shades, a cowboy hat, and tan crocks.  Be still my heart!  He walked the beach all day with his music playing and dancing blowing his whistle like a Dominican mating call.  He was quite the stud. Lol!

Turns out I was pretty popular with the Dominican men. I’m sure it was just the crazy blonde hair and my large derriere, but I’m contemplating moving there to find a man. I’m just kidding…I’m not that desperate! At least I know there is another option if things don’t work out for me here in the States.

I’m not sure what caused my funk when I returned home.  I was happy to be home to see my kids, but I realized that my house is a real source of stress for me.  I’ve known this all along and even tried to sell it, but now I’m trapped in this money pit, because I’ll lose quite a bit of money on it. My advice to all you women out there who think they want to keep the house for the kids sake…DON’T DO IT!

At the time of the divorce, I wanted so desperately to keep my kids in the house they grew up in. I knew it would be a huge financial burden and I knew that it was difficult to manage a house, the yard and the stupid ass pool (that I now hate).  I knew all this, but I wanted to spare my kids from any more pain and making them move out of the home they grew up in would have caused them further pain. I felt it was my only choice.

My ex had been gone overseas before the divorce and I knew I could do it without him, but as the years have gone on, things break and need updating. I’ve become increasingly frustrated with trying to do everything on my own. Sure, I get help from my ex when he’s around and my dad is a great help, but taking care of this house is not only draining my bank account, but draining all my energy.  I’m tired. I’m tired of having to carry the burden of maintaining the house by myself and all the responsibilities of the kids.  Granted my kids are older now and very independent, but they still need emotional and financial support. I’m not saying that my ex doesn’t contribute and care for them, but it’s only a fraction…a very small fraction.

I’m the one up at night worrying about them and sacrificing my own happiness for them.  I never wish I could just run away and live just for myself like their father, but I do get resentful of it sometimes.  In a way it was my choice– I tried to do everything I could to protect them and now I’m worried that I failed them.  I’m desperate to find a new job that can afford this stupid house. I almost think I want to be one of those gold diggers that seeks out a rich boyfriend to take me away from all this stress and fix all the shit that goes wrong in this house. Don’t think I don’t think about it on a daily basis because I do!

The bottom line is, that’s why I’m in such a funk lately. I’m tired of feeling alone and doing everything on my own. I feel this tremendous burden that I’ve had to carry and it’s overwhelming. That’s why people need partners in their life. That’s why people stay married, because the alternative is that you’re on your own. No matter how amazing your family and friends are…you’re alone.  No one is here to support me.  I’m all on my own and I’m tired.

The real clincher was this weekend when I went to my friends wedding. It was the first time I really felt like a loser for being there alone without a date. There I was surrounded by all these happy fricking couples and I was thinking why the hell am I still single?! What the hell am I doing wrong here? Somehow I have to change my approach, but I have no idea how. Nor do I care to waste any more time and energy on dating losers just looking for one thing.  I’m all set with that, thanks!

I know things will work out and I will find a good job and a good man, but I’m sick of waiting. I’m sick of living in limbo.  Where’s my happy ending? Then I change my perspective and tell myself to shut the hell up and be thankful for what you have. I know that negative thoughts and feeling sorry for myself is counterproductive and I just have to SNAP OUT OF IT! (*in a Cher voice)

Ladies, the worst thing divorce women do is wallow in self-pity and get stuck in limiting thoughts and a victim mentality. Look at divorce as a way of reinventing yourself. A chance to learn from the mistakes you made in your past relationships and become a stronger more confident woman. We don’t need a man to make us feel whole. What we want to find (when we are fully ready) is a partner in life. Someone who respects us and supports us. We shouldn’t settle for anything less than someone who makes us feel fantastic about ourselves, makes us laugh, makes us feel cherished and loved. Don’t think that just settling for the next Tom, Dick or Harry is the way to go.  If you do, then what was all that pain and turmoil for?  You’ll just end up with the same guy in a different suit that will make you miserable.

I’m proud to say that I am a completely different woman from the young girl that was married all those years. I don’t even recognize who she was. I have finally become the person I want to be, not living to please (or fix) someone else.  I gain more clarity every day on exactly what and who I want in my life. That young girl is gone and I have become stronger and wiser having dealt with all the obstacles in my life and even learned from all the jerks I’ve dated.  You can too. Don’t let the fear and loneliness that creeps into to all of our minds rule you.  Stand strong. Be self-reflective and recognize the lessons that you needed to learn to be the woman you are today.  Of course you have to feel the pain and recognize your hurt and disappointment, but never let it define you.  You are not broken. You are better.

With Faith, Hope and Love,


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