There are many times throughout the process of divorce that you will emerge from the darkness. The darkness can feel like you’re lost–where everything feels like a weight that surrounds you, holding your feet to the ground with no path showing you how to get out of the dark. You stay there paralyzed in fear. Frightened of the unknown. You’re alone and afraid and no one can help you out…except you.
The darkness is insidious and it creeps in like the mist until it has you surrounded in a fog of despair. The darkness comes when you realize the person you’re with is not who you thought they were. Your trust is broken and you see the person for who they really are…love is no longer blind and your eyes are wide open, but they don’t like what they see. The lies are revealed and the intensions are shady. Everything you knew about this person comes into question and you doubt yourself. Somehow their lies are your fault. You should have seen it all before, but you loved them and you looked the other way. They loved you just enough to keep you there, but not enough to make you feel truly loved or worthy of love. Now you’re faced with the decision to stay or leave. The question always comes back to, “Do you love yourself enough to leave?” Then the truth comes in and you see the light again–but it’s dim and so far away. You realize that if you just put one foot in front of the other, you can follow the light and find your way out– getting closer to the truth.
You may be weak and unsure but you take that next step as hard as it may be. It feels right. Every step is like tiny little branches beneath you that need to break in order to break away the bonds you have to this person. Saying the words, “I want a divorce” are the hardest words to say. Saying “I don’t love you anymore” is a lie because you do love them and you always will. You just know you can’t be with them anymore. You realize that loving them meant you weren’t loving yourself because they slowly chipped away at your soul. It’s time to go.
Every step is one of uncertainty, but knowing it is the right step to take. The first time you sleep in separate beds. The first time you tell your family and friends. The first time you show up to your child’s recital separately. The first time you slip off those wedding rings and your hand feels naked. The imprint of those rings that have been on your hand for years are a constant reminder of what’s missing. Each step is bringing you through the dark, closer to the truth. You want to stop…you want to give up. These lyrics sound undeniably familiar…
I tried to drink it away
I tried to put one in the air
I tried to dance it away
I tried to change it with my hair
I ran my credit card up
Thought a new dress make it better
I tried to work it away
But that just made me even sadder
I tried to keep myself busy
I ran around circles
Think I made myself dizzy
I slept it away, I sexed it away
I read it away
You want the pain to stop but you know the light is still so far away. You spend every new year believing that this will be the year things will feel better until another blow brings you to your knees. They found someone else…they get re-married…they’re having a baby. You can’t understand how the choice was yours and yet it hurts all the same. Another branch breaks.
One day you wake up and you realize you’ve been looking back more than you’ve been looking forward. You realize that in order to move forward you must look within. The light gets brighter and the path reveals itself. The weight of the steps gets lighter and more conscious. There are less and less branches to break and you feel the bonds are not binding you. You’re free from the thickness of what was holding you down. You emerge from the darkness to find at the end of the path, standing there in the light, was you. You are what you needed to find all along.