I believe that being self-reflective is the key to finding balance and better version of you. All day every day we have this inner dialogue that somehow makes us view ourselves from the outside in–making us question our motivation, our value and our interpersonal relationships. Frankly, it’s annoying. Do you ever get sick of that little shit making you doubt yourself? Don’t you wish that little voice in your head that has you beating yourself up over some stupid thing you said or did would just leave you the hell alone?
Perhaps, this is the first time you ever thought of it. Maybe you’re one of the lucky ones that may hear your conscious telling you what to do and how to act, but you’re able to ignore it and carry on with your life happy as a clam. Congrats to you if you just don’t give a shit, but unfortunately, most of us do. Quite honestly, only a narcissist lacks a conscious.
Your conscious is like the annoying hall monitor you wanted to beat up in high school. The ‘perfect little Patty’ who scolds you for making a bad decision. Like that time you had one too many drinks and you felt like shit the next day because you can’t even function. Does anyone really love that feeling? Nope. Maybe it’s the time you said something to a friend that just flew out of your mouth and now you wish you could take it back? I’m guilty of that for sure. I spend the next couple of days kicking myself, wondering why I had to open my big mouth and tell people my stupid opinion. Now they feel bad and I feel bad for making them feel bad. Ugh! It’s exhausting! My inner dialogue causes me to spin a story about how someone feels about me that may or may not be true. I use that as an opportunity to do better and be better. I become more mindful of my actions and how I treat the people I care about.
It makes me a better version of myself and reminds me that no one is perfect and that people say things that hurt me all the time. I know they don’t mean to…they just don’t know that they’re hitting my soft spots. Everyone has a soft spot. You know, that part of your life that you’re not too proud of or it brings back a painful memory. That character flaw that you really don’t like about yourself, but every once in a while it rears its’ ugly head. We all have something that people in your life can trigger without even knowing it. Think about what those triggers are for you. Are you seeing them? Feeling them? I definitely know mine. Those are the things in your life that your asshole subconscious is telling you to fix and you just don’t want to see it or deal with it.
For me, right now, it’s my career and my house. Anytime someone brings it up, I want to fucking scream or crawl into a hole and cry. I’m so sick of people asking me that fucking question because the answer hasn’t changed and I feel powerless. It’s painful, I feel ashamed, and I want it to change, but it hasn’t and I feel like a loser. People in my life don’t know this, they don’t mean to hit my sore spot…but yet they do it all the time. It takes everything in me not to turn around and hit their sore spot; because I know what they are…I just don’t want to be cruel and insensitive. There are times I fail, my inner voice makes me pay for it, and then I feel horrible for what I said. Underneath my tough exterior, I’m a real softy. I can be overly empathetic to others pain and in turn I am extremely sensitive to my own.
This is why I’m constantly over analyzing things. This is why I’m so scared to open up and get hurt again. I’m not sure my heart can take any more pain and disappointment. I try to be this strong tough bitch on the outside, but I’m just a scared little girl wanting to be loved and wanting everything in my life to just change for the better. I want to live to the potential that I know that I have in me. I know that I’m smart and capable, but sometimes all I hear are the hurtful words they said to me the day I was fired. They stick with me and I doubt that I will ever be successful again. The inner dialogue is like a bully on the playground, kicking me when I’m down. Therefore, I lash out to take the focus off me. This is the raw truth. I write this, so that I can face it and be the best version of me. I write this so that you can face your inner demons and be the best version of you. We are all flawed. We all have things we need to work on to become our best selves. The next time you’re talking about someone else behind their back, think about some of your own flaws. Think about how it feels when others point them out. Think about how you can focus your energy on living your best life, so that others can see the best part of you. Not the shallow, ‘judgy’ version or the hurt reactive version…but the real you living your best life. That’s the goal in life and that’s why that inner voice is there reminding you to do better and be better. Listen to it. Be a better you.